I feel like I've done everything in my power to handle the situation naturally and directly. I am not a person who is passive aggressive and I have tried to speak to my spouse on multiple occasions and all it does is cause him to erupt in anger. It reached a boiling point a few days ago when he threw a vase across the room and it shattered. I feel like this is my fault for nagging him about it.....but I also am not a fan of silently suffering and wondering why nothing is changing.....but I don't pretend that my method is working either. So now I am lost as what to do.
He works hard, he is a good father, but I feel that once he has accomplished both of those things he zeros in on gaming- my needs and our marriage be ****ed. I am sure there are people out there scoffing because I should be grateful that he is a good father (we have 2 kids) and a good provider, and believe me I am....but what happened to a good strong marriage being the foundation of a home? What happened to putting your partner's needs first? I have tried to understand that he likes to decompress with gaming, but it went from being a casual thing to now it takes up any spare moment he has between the kids and work. Am I completely out of line for wanting that time and not having to achieve it by basically forcing him to spend time with me? When I have to nag him into it the specialness of it is gone, but yet I know and it has been shown if I don't nag him he won't at all. He goes from work, the kids, to gaming. I do not spend time with my husband unless I sit in the room with him while he games and even then I am not allowed to talk to him because if/when I do he is cold, short, or becomes irritated because I am distracting him.
My heart is breaking because I feel selfish for feeling this way but I also want to have a relationship with my husband aside from us being parents....and I feel that my needs and our marriage are the very last spot on his priority list. Not sure what to do because talking with him about it, sharing my hurt feelings, and asking him to scale back only angers him. Do I just accept that this is what it is or what do I do? I love him very much, but it hurts that I want to spend time with him and the thought of spending time with me is a horrid thought to him because it would cut into his gaming time. I am not asking to monopolize all of it, I am not asking him to even stop gaming....but I would like to be somewhere on the same priority level as his job and the kids. Thanks for listening.
Hi daisygirl
I'm glad you are here. I'm so sorry that you are hurting from the effects of your husbands gaming but you are not alone and I hope this site will help you get a grip of your situation
There is a helpful starter thread here
http://www.olganon.org/?q=node/4233
I found it so helpful to keep coming back here to learn about the effects of addiction and what I could do to help me and my son, who is affected by gaming and computer use. Reading the other members stories I found so helpful.
It sounds like you husband does have some symtoms of addiction. Addiction changes the personality making them into people who lack empathy and focus their existance around the game. An addict cannot moderate their gaming and be happy. The addict has taken over control from the person you first knew. Anything that threatens rocking the boat will provoke a negative reaction. We cannot change or heal the gamer. When they get a wake up call to change they must do the work to recover for themselves. You do have power over your own thoughts and what you want to do to look after yourself.
Keep coming back xx
INFO
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I truly feel your pain. Searching for answers and help as well. One thing I'm learning is that this IS a real issue and we are not alone. As sad as that is, take comfort in knowing that we are all in this together. I'm learning to hate the addiction not the addict or myself for not being able to reach him. Take one day at a time. :-)
Daynamarie
I used to think my husband was a good father until I read a book about what it means to be a good father - men are meant to teach their children, discipline their children, provide for them and also be an example of how these children should be both good husbands (if they are boys) and how a marriage is meant to be when their daughters get married.
That means that if your spouse is totally neglecting you then he is no longer being a good father. If he neglects his duties because he is spending too much time online and playing games then he is not being a good father even if he is providing well. If the time online prevents him from teaching and disciplining his children and being involved in their lives and if he is teaching them instead to ignore relationships then he is not being a good father.
It does go deeper than this too - being addicted to gaming is teaching a child to worship something other than God which can only lead to unhappiness.
My husband has been trying to spend some time with our kids, but he serves the computer and its games and he finds that call very hard to ignore. He has no time for me and hasn't for a very very long time. My children see that being married is a wife serving her husband while he hides away, ignores her and is essentially absent - is this what they should think about marrige? Is this what I want them to enter one day when they get married and is this what I want them to think a normal marriage looks like?
A person who is addicted cannot be a good father or husband. He needs to realise that he is giving himself over to something he is not truely in control of and that he cannot ever get control over it and be the best he can be (in work, in relationships, in anything) without the help of a power greater than him.
And the same goes for anyone affected by it. You accept what you cannot change and change what you can, usually starting with detaching.
Like you I have said all that needs to be said and nothing is changing. Like you, I do not just say nothing, but having said the truth to him, it does not help to keep saying it. Now I only say what I am going to do or say nothing and do it anyway.
Sorry you are suffering through this.
Hi daisygirl,
I feel like I could have written your post myself. My husband is what I would call a functioning gaming addict. He works and supports us financially and will help put my son to bed and play with him in the afternoons at weekends but as soon as our son is asleep he is straight onto the computer and does not want to spend time with me. I have to organise all family activities and suggest any evenings out but he never volunteers to spend time with me. The physical side of our relationship is non existent. I have lost my husband and best friend and feel like I have to nag for scraps of his time. I am not sure how long I will put up with this behaviour and I do worry what signs my son will pick up on how to treat women from our abnormal relationship. If you want to chat further feel free to message me as I too don't know how to deal with this!
Hi daisygirl.
I am so sorry that you too are going through this difficult situation. I know how you feel. I wish I had something positive to tell you, but I also came to this site in hope of finding advice on how to deal with my hurt feelings and resentment towards my significant other. It's hard going through it alone so just knowing that there are others like me out there is very comforting.