Why did things get so bad

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Clarissa Mendoza15
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Why did things get so bad

When my now husband and I first started dating when we were in high school, he would play maybe and hour at the most before he would come visit me at my parent's house. He eventually moved into our home 2 years later, and that when I noticed things started to get bad. I was raised the old school Mexican way (you cook dinner, clean, wash clothes etc) I have no problem with that because I enjoy it. So when he moved in I took over that responsibility. It started off maybe playing for four hours after work, then it grew to six, then to the point that the moment he would get home at 4 pm he would get on till almost 12 am. The weekends got worse. From the moment he would wake up till the moment he went to bed at 4 in the morning he would be playing. We got married July of last year after being together for almost 5 years, and things have only gotten worse. Now that we live on our own we never go anywhere or spend any time together anymore. When I try to talk to him while he's playing online with people he's never met before he gets mad at me and is so rude to me. It makes me feel beyond unloved. At times I like it's my fault that it's gotten this bad, because the moment we started living together I did everything for him, which gave him more time to play. I feel like I opened Pandora's box and I let out all this sorrow on to myself. 

I'm always fighting for his attention and it hurts so much to feel like as a wife you come in second place to a piece of plastic covered metal. I want to have kids soon. I'm only 23, but I have a medical condition that if I wait till my 30s kids won't be possible for me. But with the way that he is, it makes not want to have any with him. If he can barely stand going to take the dogs on a walk with me because he feels like he has to play then, how do I know he will help me with a baby. I hear the excuse "okay hold on I'm almost done" or "one more round I promise" so much that I kinda wish I didn't get married at such a young age. I love him, and I have loved him since I was 16, but my love is no longer enough for him. I can no longer tell him how I'm feeling because he doesn't listen to me, or he gets mad at me for feeling the way that I do. 

I can no longer go to him with my feelings. I go to my friends, and when he finds out he yells and gets angry and tells me that's what he's here for, but since I'm not plugged into the tv or have a controller, what I say and how I feel goes unnoticed, or in one ear and out the other. I just want to feel wanted again.

Polga
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Welcome Clarissa

Welcome Clarissa

You are not alone with your situation or feelings. You are in the right place here. If you spend some time on this site you can understand so much more about what you are dealing with. i recommened that you read as many posts as possible from other spouses. i am going to highlight some threads you may find helpful.

This is not your fault. Addiction the three 'C's' You didn't cause it, you can't control it,  you can't cure it.  You can learn more about gaming addiction from this thread: http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/supporting-and-understanding-addict

Its your choice whether you continue to try to get through to him. Some people try and they find out they can't reach them. There is a thread here about communication to see if you feel you want to try again, or not. http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/interventions-and-communication-sos

Sometime the only way the addict can start to wake up is when we stop enabling them. They will not want you to stop enabling; they may get mad, but it is what needs to be done. They will try to manipulate you to do what they want to continue as you have done. Just see through it. This is the addict talking; the addict has taken over the brain. The addict cannot compute your feeling or needs. Just drop any expectation for reasonable behaviour where addiction is involved. See here: http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/about-enabling-spousessos-addicted Only you can look after yourself and deserve loving care from yourself. Marriage should be equal and respectful. That is not happening in your situation right now.

Then stop concentrating on the gamer; start to concentrate on yourself. Look after you. " Detach with love" is the first rule of self care. http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/detachment-what-means-and-how-do-it

There is more detail about how to get support for you here: http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/your-partner-gaming-addict-how-get

Think about your boundaries to stay in the relationship http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/boundaries-what-they-mean-and-how

We have many heartbreak stories about children brought into the world with an addicted parent, so you are right to be cautious about bringing a child into this situation http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/how-gaming-addiction-parent-can

 

Keep coming back to find out more and support others like yourself !

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

nancygs61
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Last seen: 2 years 6 months ago
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Joined: 04/24/2017 - 2:02pm
Hi Clarissa, I joined today

Hi Clarissa, I joined today to this website. I have been married for 4 years. I has been since then trying to convince my husband that the problem is he has an addiction to video games, he always denied it, saying things like “is not video gaming is spending time in the computer”, “video games are a platform to entertain people as a car for transportation”, etc I know is an addiction because is affecting our life, he can spend on week days 6 hours by day and on weekends 12 hours in average, he gets angry and his list or priorities is just wrong. I have a 4 months baby and he makes me realize that I have to do something real about this problem because I just realized that I has been the enable in some ways. I’m very identify with your history, I only can tell you to wait for have a children. I was under a lot of pain when I was pregnant and I wrongly though that because of that I will be a priority for him but not… and now with my baby is devastating..

I’m sorry because English is not my first language, as you are Mexican I going to tell you something in Spanish:

Yo empece a sentirme mucho major ante ciertas situaciones cuando alguien me dijo que no callera en la manipulacion de que yo soy la culpable de ciertos comportamientos, esta adiccion como muchas otras, es bastante seria y mas en estos tiempos modernos, tu estas muy joven y el hecho que tengas un problema medico no significa que debas apresurarte a tener un hijo si no puedes ofrcerle un ambiente sano. Ahora con mi bebe siento que debi pensarlo mejor y eso que tengo 37, que tal vez escogi mal a su padre, y eso duele..

saludos

NANCY

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