Why do I feel guilty for being angry???

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Cat17
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Why do I feel guilty for being angry???

I'm sitting here crying, yet again, because my husband chose games over me.  I've discussed my concerns to him several times and we agreed he would at least spend a little bit of time everyday with me talking about our days.  Sounds simple enough, but I have to beg for time.  He gets up in the middle of me talking and says he is tired of talking and goes immediately to his games.  I follow him with a mix of emotions including anger, sadness, neglect, frustration and loneliness, but the anger won this time.  I started telling him that he had promised to talk with me and we got into a small argument.  I ended up saying "they aren't even your real friends" and I guess his headset was on even though it wasn't on his head and his "friends" heard me.  My husband yelled that at least his friends didn't abandon me (as most of my friends moved out of state and I get to see them less often).  Yes, that hurt, but now I am feeling guilty about what I feel is true because his friends heard.  I know he can't have real conversations with these guys he plays with.  It's all about games and electronics.  I hate feeling guilty, I hate feeling alone.  I wish I wasn't as concerned about what others thought.  Does anyone have experience with guilt and how they deal with it in gaming type situations?  I'm working on reacting less and working on myself more, but sometimes I get angry.  I appreciate any input.  Thanks.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance -James 1:2-3

hawkwoman76
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Why do I feel guilty for being angry?

Cat

 I hope I have your name right. I feel for you and I know exactly how you feel. My husband has been extensively playing Vikings: War of Clans for the past several months for 16 hours a day. I confronted him at the end of Sept. and he said he would only play a couple of hours a day, but that never materialized. He has become attached intimately with the players of this game calling them the best friends and brothers he has ever had and that he truly loves. I also think he has become emotionally involved with a woman that he chats with into the wee hours of the morning. I am so hurt and I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when he is gaming. I am trying to detach with love from him and I try to only respond to him when he isn't gaming. It's very hard and I feel alone and also betrayed. I try to do something positive for my self every day to boost my self worth. I'm also preparing myself for a change in this relationship or perhaps the end of it. I can't stay in the relationship if he is gaming and he can't stay unless he is. Life is difficult. Don't beat yourself up for being angry, but try not to react when he ignores or neglects you. I understand your pain and I wish you the best.  Hawkwoman

Dianne Benko

Cat17
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thanks for the response.  It

thanks for the response.  It's hard right now, but this site and people here are very encouraging.  I wish you the best in your situation.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance -James 1:2-3

Polga
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That you should feel guilty

I think is it a natural reaction not to want to overheard by someone you don't know. It caught you offguard. I don't think you need to be worried about it happening. Its in the past. You cannot help being the person you are but you can think about it and maybe react differently if it happens again. It's your home and you have a right to talk.

That you should feel guilty over responding to his addiction ... he is such a good manipulator!

If he is addicted and using, his number one priority is the gaming. Addicts are not the people we once new to be kind and thoughtful.

I can relate to the feeling that this thing is controlling your loved one and made them into someone who doesn't seem to care for anything else. How can they be so dumb ? How could this be happening to us ? All we can do is just accept that we have no control over their addiction (Step 1), which I did regarding my son.  I am sorry for the pain you experienced. You will get through this

Look after yourself Cat xx.

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

hawkwoman76
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Why do I feel guilty...

Cat,

Wondered how you were doing? I know it is difficult to be neglected and to feel so alone. My husband and I are still in bed on a Sat. morning in San Diego.  He is right next to me and gaming and also chatting I'm sure. I reread  your original post and I don't think you should be feeling guilty. That's easily said, but much harder to do. He's promised to spend time talking with you about your day and then just stops to go back to gaming. You said that you get angry and say these gaming friends are not real friends. I don't know how many times I've said that. My husband says that his gaming friends don't judge him or aren't disappointed in him. Well they have all his time so why would they be feeling alone, left out, ignored, and neglected. They're happy to be in their virtual world where everything is ideal and there are no stresses and problems. I've been angry so long that I can't even control that emotion anymore. About ten days ago after we had a major confrontation about the gaming and the chatting was when I decided I couldn't be reacting to his gaming anymore. I would just ignore the amount of time he was doing this but not enable him by making things convenient for him. It has helped me quite a bit and also talking to other people like you who are experiencing the same feelings and frustrations that I am helps immensely. The other thing that really helps me is to read the posts from recovering gamers. They have so much insight into this disease and they also have hope when they say Not planning to game today. I wish you well. Hope Courage Faith  Hawkwoman

Dianne Benko

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Hello Dianne,

Hello Dianne,

I appreciate your reply and follow up.  It is frustrating and concerning.  We had a good chat last night, but he says that "we just don't see things the same way" and I feel he is too deep in the addiction to admit or realize.  It takes too much energy and I just want to get away.  It saddens me to think that he doesn't care how deeply he hurts me and how rejected I feel; he only wants to make his point clear that it is his "hobby".  I'm going on a road trip to see my parents in Texas and I'm seriously considering staying to get away from it all, but then I think about "for better or for worse" and what others would say and that I am a Christian and should be a loving supportive wife.  I am just so conflicted.  I'm not working right now but I would be in even worse hell if I were because his lack of support in every way.  I'm sick of feeling alone.  I've also hid his addiction from my family and am considering telling them so I have their support.  I'm anxious about how they will react, but I'm kind of desperate for that support and to have someone understand what I am going through.  

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance -James 1:2-3

Polga
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Cat

Cat

I really recommend you tell them about it. It may be hard for them to fully comprehend at first, but addiction thrives in secret !

If he ever recovers, he will eventually realise how he has hurt you. Even gamers trying to quit and know how they are not being fair to their spouse and feeling terrible guilt still cannot quit ! It can be that bad.

He needs to feel consequences to want to quit. You stopping enabling him by completely leaving him may help him eventually wake up. There is a thread about enabling

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

hawkwoman76
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Hi Cat

it's good that you had a long chat, but it doesn't seem to have resolved anything if he just considers his gaming as a hobby. It is so frustrating and emotionally difficult to feel so neglected in a marriage. For me it is the only thing I think about from the time I get up in the morning to the time I go to bed. I always have that knot in my stomach and a strangle hold on my heart. I think a road trip to Texas to see your parents will be good for you. Whether or not you should tell them might be a moot point because they might be able to see your pain and the cause of it will just burst out of you. I also think of ending my relationship with my husband and those same words for better or for worse ring in my ears. I don't think God would want you to be in a destructive marriage, but that is just my opinion for what it is worth. I send love and support and wish you the best. Hope Courage Faith  Hawkwoman

Dianne Benko

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I think I have settled on

I think I have settled on telling the folks.  They absolutely LOVE him, but have never been around while he has been in his gaming addiction.  I'm nervous about the response, but I know I will feel some relief.   He hides it well, just as he did when we were dating (and did not live together before marriage, as this is what I felt was important for my personal beliefs).  What I'm nervous about, is that he won't even care if I stay with my parents for an extended period of time as he will be able to play games without my interruption.  I'm afraid it will hit my insecurities pretty hard, even though I know in my head it is all his addiction now.  Thanks for responses people.  This has been helpful!

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance -James 1:2-3

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