I had a revelation today

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dusty0
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I had a revelation today

I took an unreasonably long walk today, and had myself a revelation about my gaming habit. I've always had ugly feelings, resentments, uncertainties, and unconfidences as long as I can remember. I have not been very comfortable in my own skin. Now, I have been telling people that I've been numbing out my feelings with games. I logically know it to be true, but until now I did not really understand it. The games were an oasis for me. No matter what ugly feelings or situation I was experiencing, I had a pleasant distraction waiting for me. Nothing in my real life impacted the game, and vice versa. Also, I could conjure my oasis at a moment's notice, on my phone, or laptop or whatever. I was an equal opportunity gamer, and the internet supplied an infinite number of games to provide novelty.

I'm having a hard time now because now I'm just "me". I can't turn on a game and become someone else for a little while. I've got some major issues going on at the moment, and it's like there's no release. No escape. If I could just take a break somehow, maybe I could recover just enough to start to get on top of things.

So, I'm thinking that I need to find a new oasis. A healthy, positive, and/or productive activity that I can focus on. Cycling was fitting this bill somewhat, but now it's cold. Am I being reasonable, or is my Addict Brain leading me into a trap?

iamhuman
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I'm not the most experienced

I'm not the most experienced person - but I ran into this as well. The reason I started playing was because the situation had become so unberable and I couldn't cope so I ran away from it. Obviously I can't just walk back into it and start dealing with it :)

I don't know if this is the best answer but I feel that a creative distraction would be helpful. 'Doing' things definitely takes my mind off it - like you said cycling was a good thing for me also. The other activities that helped me a lot - one was volunteering. I couldn't really do much initially because I myself needed so much help, but I just hung around and did a few odd jobs here and there. Gradually I could do more, and also I started making some friends, however casually. It was just a space where I could forget things, and also feel /know that I was contributing. It helped that the group I was with were not Demanding at all - and the work I did was really low-key. It takes almost nothing to stand around at a stall and say the same thing to people, but it can help that group so much to have a volunter. Just stuff like that. Over time I got told that I was one of the best volunteers of the year :p Which is an ego boost, but really doesn't matter. The fact is that it helped me way more, and that despite not pushing myself out of a comfort zone, I was able to make a difference to them.

Another thing that helped me was just to write a lot -if there's any creative thing you like to do, music, or painting, or anything like that - my friend likes to photoshop stuff - I find it really relaxing as a distraction.

My sponsor told me to meditate and it took me time to get around to it, but I really find it great. I wouldn't suggest it as a distraction really, for me it's more of an anxiety-coping thing in an immediate sense, but I can't do a lot of it yet :p

Swimming was lovely, though only while I swam - but that itself was great.

Reading - I started off with basic fiction stuff, and now I'm reading more. But developing new habits slowly is nice.

I think the point is - think of stuff you'd like to do, which you can pick up on slowly even.

Oh importantly - doing my own work which I had been neglecting because of gaming. Washing my clothes by hand - I LOVE it now :) Washing dishes, cleaning the house - this kind of stuff was just a soothing thing to do, and it felt like I was taking care of myself - my surroundings, which I was.

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Hey Dusty, I felt the same

Hey Dusty,

I felt the same as you. My main hobby was piano before I couldn't play anymore due to a physical issue. So I was kind of twisting in the wind after I left my game. I tried to take up photography right around the time I started gaming, but needless to say I didn't do much with it back then. Lately since I'm not in my game all day anymore, I've been really into this photography. There's so much to learn. I really think a hobby would be beneficial. It focuses our attention on something else so we aren't thinking about the game as much.

"Even when you think it's about you, it's not about you." Dr. Bill

dan1
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Hugs, dusty. I have felt

Hugs, dusty.

I have felt that way a lot. For a long time I was pretty comfortable as me (or maybe just unaware of being uncomfortable, lol), but then my life went to hell and I went to games.

It's really hard for me to face the mess, so I get it. Hard to be conscious and present. The anxiety, the fear, the hopelessness tries to get me down. The biggest thing that has helped me is the program--going to meetings, talking with other recovering addicts, working the 12 steps with a sponsor, learning to accept what is and go from there. It's not easy to retrain your brain to be more healthy. It takes time and lots of help.

Glad you are coming to meetings. See you tonight.

I am a recovering computer game and gambling addict. My recovery birthday: On May 6, 2012 I quit games and began working a program of recovery through OLGA No computer games or slot games for me since December 12, 2012. No solitaire games with real cards since June 2013.

Maggie
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dusty0 wrote: Am I being
dusty0 wrote:

Am I being reasonable, or is my Addict Brain leading me into a trap?

It is normal to get bored from doing the same thing. Keep exploring new hobbies, don't give up! So many wonderful things in this world, with patience and persistance, I think we will find the things that we all can enjoy again.

I know recovery is hard work....and it is suck that we have to keep going with this. I do have thought of just giving up everything and hop back on the game and you are not alone Dusty.

Hugs,

Maggie

It's good to have goals and dreams, but while you're waiting for things to change, waiting for promises to come to pass, don't be discontent with where you are. Learn to enjoy the season that you're in--Pastor Joel Osteen

dan1
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My psychiatrist said this to

My psychiatrist said this to me: The definition of a normal person is 'someone you don't know very well'. I think that's wise.

Addiction twists us, makes us all the same (not in a good way). But as I've recovered, I've begun to get my "true self" back. With all its positives and negatives, strengths and limitations, twists and turns. Part of accepting myself is accepting that I'm unique, just like everybody else (hehehe). I don't have to be like anyone else to be OK. I just have to be on the right path, trying to do the next right thing, the next thing that is right for me.

As I recover, I hope to get better at knowing what is best for me to do next, and doing it. Harder than it sounds, I think....

I am a recovering computer game and gambling addict. My recovery birthday: On May 6, 2012 I quit games and began working a program of recovery through OLGA No computer games or slot games for me since December 12, 2012. No solitaire games with real cards since June 2013.

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dan1 wrote: My psychiatrist
dan1 wrote:

My psychiatrist said this to me: The definition of a normal person is 'someone you don't know very well'. I think that's wise.

Addiction twists us, makes us all the same (not in a good way)....

Boy, do I agree with this. It is a constant struggle to do the right things and not slip back into old habits. New hobbies really, really help! My photography has literally saved me.

"Even when you think it's about you, it's not about you." Dr. Bill

ryu8946 (not verified)
I think you definately have

I think you definately have the right idea, and i can particularly relate to the feelings of escapism and avoidance that gming gives you, even when we dont realise it at the time. A close freind of mine passed on, and i spent a year in a hole gaming and avoiding real life. my wife left me, and the first thing i did was fire up WoW. id have an argument with the wife and i go downstairs and fire up LoL and feel numb or even distracted while she cried herself to sleep.

The sheer fact youve identified this, that you can see why you feel the need to do this, is astounding. It the first huge step of a path you can choose that i think will lead you to a place where you find it much easier to deal with the things that need to be dealt with rather than avoiding and ignoring them.

As for finding a new oasis, my personal experience so far is i find it easier to spread myself out a bit. I think if i went home all night every night and lost myself in films all night, or went straight to the gym after work every day and worked out for 4 solid hours and then just ate and slept, i would just be replacing 1 behavioural pattern with another, so i try and vary up what i do. this evening i helped my mum install her new broadband system, had a walk, watched elysium, wrote my blog on here, browsed a bit seeing if i could put some positive input somewhere, and now i'm going to go and read a chapter of Clash of Kings and pass out :)

Good luck on your journey. So many people here are willing to help, you have all of us behind you, so if youre ever in doubt or just need a little pick me up, remember us guys, and the fact we can at least relate to a small part of what youre going through :)

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It might well be something

It might well be something that your AB will try to use to get you back to games, but at the same time, too much hard work without anything pleasurable going on is a recipie for disaster for anyone, even more so if that person is an addict. I'm trying to come up with enjoyable things for me to do that are also healthy, and it's not always easy. The first time somebody asked me what kinds of things I could do that were both healthy and personally enjoyable, I took a long time and only came up with one item that really fit the bill. There are a couple more I can add to that list now, but after spending years of my life depriving myself of any real pleasure outside of my addictions, it's hard. Well worth it though...

When you're going through hell...keep going. --Winston Churchill There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still --Corrie ten Boom

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