My Gaming Recovery 12 Steps Diary

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d20
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My Gaming Recovery 12 Steps Diary

STEP 1 I am powerless over my gaming. I am powerless over the time I spend on my gaming. I am powerless over the influence of gaming on me personally; my wife tells me that I change while gaming, and that I am changed after I have been gaming. It deteriorates my character and my attitude...gaming is powerless to heal me or help me grow. Its not making me the man I was created to be. It covers the pains in my life but it is powerless to heal them or make me whole. This powerlessness makes my life unmanageable. First, I stop spending quality time with God. The disciplines that I have built in my life go out the window. I am distracted and obsessed, taking secretive measures and making compromises in my social life, marriage and faith that I come to regret. I stop carrying my share of household responsibilities. My wife becomes emotionally and physically neglected and unhappy, and we are both privately afraid for our relationship whenever I relapse into gaming because it has potential to shipwreck the both of us when it goes unchecked. This has to be ALL IN or I am going to be falling short to this addiction for the rest of my life and I cant help but reap what I sow

... I will walk with integrity of heart
within my house;
I will not set before my eyes
anything that is worthless.
Psalm 101:2-3

d20
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STEP 2 Came to believe that

STEP 2 Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. The insane behaviour and thinking that comes into my own life when I am gaming? Its the commitment and excusal of hours upon hours of day to day living into something that offers me no reward, no satisfaction and no substance; that I am taking hold of something I know isnt only not building me up but is actually destroying me...its the thinking that its OK to spend my time in isolation (physically, spiritually, emotionally), and the convincing of myself that "maybe this time it will be different", "maybe this time I can control/moderate". Its the insanity that its OK to manipulate my wife and her feelings to permit my gaming when I know I have no control over it, and engaging in it has the potential to overrun my entire life, tear it down and keep it down. This morning I was trying to go about a daily routine with only one hand, the other gaming. In my worst state of gaming addiction, I would drink black coffee. Not because I enjoyed it, but because I could save precious seconds by not adding milk or sugar to my coffee in order to minimise my time not spent gaming. This morning I justified my gaming binge because I had moved from gaming in bed to gaming at the dining table, and therefore somehow it wasnt as bad. I told myself several times I would stop but I did not and could not. Since I have known God I have noticed He has been gently but insistantly directing me away from gaming. I knew early on that the time I was spending gaming was wasting time that He had given me to be here on this earth. Sometimes I feel guilty about the time I waste and I feel guilty for ignoring His voice - it can make me not want to come into His presence. So far I have been battling this on my own strength, and for the most part privately, satisfied that I can uninstall the games when I want to. But that isnt enough, and to kick this, I realise I need to do more than act on God prompting me to stop gaming when I am gaming. I must trust that He can restore me to sanity in this area and deliver me from this addiction completely. So I'm crying out to my Father to help me. Today is day 2 deliberately believing God can and will deliver me from my gaming addiction if I will seek Him and I have gone 35 hours without gaming.

... I will walk with integrity of heart
within my house;
I will not set before my eyes
anything that is worthless.
Psalm 101:2-3

d20
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Step 3:  Made a decision to

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. Before bed last night, my first day without gaming, I had some quality time with my Lord Jesus Christ. My wife has been very supportive and was praying with me. I was on my knees and I felt this awesome pain in my heart - I dont know or understand what the root might have been other than "old wounds" from a pretty messy past - it was emotional and physical all at once. I was crying really very hard and in a way it was a relief to feel and express something sincerely after the last few weeks drifting in and out of a state of apathy. I was submitting myself and this whole thing into His hands, and I know something was getting worked through because after some time the pain left and I had peace. My sleep was still pretty disturbed and I have been suffering taunting dreams (even had those while gaming) which I now understand are a kind of withdrawals, I have experienced them for other addictions too. First thing this morning before work, (when I would normally be gaming) I was praying by myself quietly while my wife slept. I wasn't saying anything but all these fears were pouring out of my heart to God about the process ahead of me. The two words that came to me from the Father were "trust Me". I felt securely held, like by a father which is something I never much experienced growing up. Then I got into the Bible, which is something I have been severely neglecting while gaming. So this ties in pretty well with the third step, turning my life and my will over to God as I understand Him. Submitting my addiction, fear and desires to the One in control. Waiting for my ride to work I felt like He's the surgeon, I'm the patient. And I know through all this I will grow to understand Him more, still. This step is painful but simple and brings me back to my trusting God for the first time 3 years ago through Alcoholics Anonymous...Revisiting this step today I am grateful that I can look over my shoulder and see the things He has already done in my life and be encouraged that "if He walked me through that, He will walk me through this too". If you dont have something to look back on just yet, thats okay too; there's a reason that the rear-vision mirror is smaller than the windscreen of a car, where you're going is much more important than where you've been. God is faithful, He's provided the way for me to resist temptation and I trust He's willing to take away those desires I have that dont bless Him

... I will walk with integrity of heart
within my house;
I will not set before my eyes
anything that is worthless.
Psalm 101:2-3

d20
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So I'm into my third day

So I'm into my third day since putting down gaming. I've had fleeting desires to game but resisting them they go as quickly as they came. I spent most of this morning on OLGANON reading through posts and pages. I decided I needed to do something today so I grabbed my crossbow and went into the bush on this property. I sighted my crossbow with some target shooting, sat down in the bush and had a prayer and an apple...I could hear the "honking" of a pukeko nearby, which is a native New Zealand swamp bird, blue black and white feathered.I decided to stalk it down for some fun and discovered some cool places in the bush in the process, as well as heaps of puha (a native weed you can cook up and eat, rich in iron, kinda like spinach). I started pondering the pukeko/puha meal I could prepare for my wife for dinner... When I finally got sight of the pukeko it had stopped honking because it had found its mate. When it came to the crunch I didn't have the heart to shoot it; 1, knowing my wife would NOT approve of/eat it, and 2, empathy kicked in when I saw the little dude was married. Being active in some way may only be so many hours of the day but its something that helps keep me content for the rest of them. Its nice picking up old hobbies. This Saturday we are on our way across the ditch to Australia to visit my father and his family, so I will be out of touch with OLGANON for 1 week... All the best my friends

... I will walk with integrity of heart
within my house;
I will not set before my eyes
anything that is worthless.
Psalm 101:2-3

d20
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Just returned from visiting

Just returned from visiting my father in Australia a few days ago. Commencing the 4th step. :-)

... I will walk with integrity of heart
within my house;
I will not set before my eyes
anything that is worthless.
Psalm 101:2-3

Maggie
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Thanks for sharing for all

Thanks for sharing for all the steps. I am also on Step 4 :-). I hope you have a great trip.

It's good to have goals and dreams, but while you're waiting for things to change, waiting for promises to come to pass, don't be discontent with where you are. Learn to enjoy the season that you're in--Pastor Joel Osteen

May Light
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Good luck with your work on

Good luck with your work on Step 4. Let us know how you are progressing :-)

"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches." "The first step toward change is acceptance." "Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That's all you have to do." "Change is not something you do, it's something you allow."- Will Garcia

d20
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While I was in Australia for

While I was in Australia for the week I had no dreams or desires about gaming or really any thought of it, except noting my 12 year old brother's gaming. Since I have returned home, however, the taunting dreams have returned! I had a dream that I had been gaming this whole time and I hadn't been aware I was. I experienced the same thing when I stopped drinking - having nightmares about being drunk. I just wanted to note this because I find it interesting.

I began Step 4 today. I began with a blank paper a pen and prayer for honesty and courage. I made a written inventory of people and institutions I have a resentment against. I also wrote the causes of those resentments, and the affect they had on me. Confronting some of these reccurrant hurts made me cry and I found myself crying out to God for help. Other resentments, once I could look at them written on paper, made me laugh at how ridiculous they were! I wrote about two pages. I also made a list of every name of every person my conscience bare witness I had hurt/offended regardless of whether it was a result of my doing something bad, or that they were hurt/offended by my doing something good. Some of them I realised I had already set right while following Jesus, others of them I realised I hadn't made an effort toward and needed to approach. I skipped ahead to Step 7 today when I took the initiative to visit two people on my list who live locally.

The first address, the owner was not at home. The person at the second address was home, and packing up all their things when I found them. Seeing this person for the first time in over 2 years I told them that I had taken a moral inventory today, and had written a list of people I had wronged. I told them that their name had come up on this list, and I was there in the hope of making peace. I apologised for how I had hurt them as a result of living out my selfish desires at their expense and that I hoped they might forgive me. This was the only part of this process that I could be responsible for.

This person told me I had nothing to be sorry for, that I hadn't hurt them really, and that they were very proud of me for what I was doing and they had heard "through the grapevine" of some of the changes I had been through already. Regardless of what this person said, I know I had truly hurt and offended this person by my actions 2 years ago, and I could also see that they were quite touched that I had visited them. We hugged (they noted I was shaking) and I was quite moved too. I almost cried. I found out that this person was moving away in 2 weeks quite a far way away; if I hadn't reached out today I may never have seen them again. When I got home I prayed to God to remove every defect of character from me, and remove anything from me that stops me being useful to Him and to my fellow man. I forgave people on my list that I resented, by the power of forgiveness God forgave me by in Christ crucified. Through this forgiveness I let God shut the door on the old relationships that were still hurting me today. This was a very painful and very real experience. I asked to be unburdened. What helps me through all this the most is realising I must stand & give an account before God one day.

I feel I have a lot to digest still, and I want to take my time and make sure I get through this thoroughly. I will be pacing myself to complete Step 4 and these next steps. I do appreciate your guys support. God bless.

... I will walk with integrity of heart
within my house;
I will not set before my eyes
anything that is worthless.
Psalm 101:2-3

May Light
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Hi d20, It is so wonderful

Hi d20,

It is so wonderful what you have achieved today. It takes a lot of courage and self confidence to do what you have done.

I bet you feel a lot lighter! You got rid of a huge emotional baggage! Well done!

I have done something similar last year. I found the person who hurt me 35 years ago. I had stopped talking to her ever since. But last year I decided to forgive all the peple who hurt me in the past and decided to get in touch with them, talk things through and forgive them in my heart. She was so happy to see me. She took me out to dinner,invited to her place for coffee and we talked and talked and talked.... We enjoyed each other's company and there was no sour feeling left when I finally said good bye. I was proud of myself.

I am proud of you too. Keep up the good work. :-)

"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches." "The first step toward change is acceptance." "Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That's all you have to do." "Change is not something you do, it's something you allow."- Will Garcia

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I'm glad to hear that things

I'm glad to hear that things are going well for you. Step work, as you already know, can be awfully intense, so feel free to take time with things if you need to. I find that the intensity of step work can make it triggering, so it's important for me to be kind and caring with myself after having done some of it. Take whatever time you need to go through the steps...

When you're going through hell...keep going. --Winston Churchill There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still --Corrie ten Boom

d20
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Hi guys. Just dropping in to

Hi guys. Just dropping in to let you know I haven't fallen away - I am around about 8 weeks game free now and pressing on strong through life's stormy seas. My prayer for you all is that our Father the one who truly created us one and all bless you and keep you liberated from every snare in life, through the power of the Son of God...Jesus Christ, who died for our sin penalty, and was raised from the dead by the spirit of God to make us just as though we never sinned, Forgiven. the same man has ascended into heaven to prepare a place for us in his kingdom, and is returning on the clouds in glory...may he find us awake and at his service, and so be it

... I will walk with integrity of heart
within my house;
I will not set before my eyes
anything that is worthless.
Psalm 101:2-3

May Light
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Great news d20! 8 weeks game

Great news d20! 8 weeks game free is a big achievement, congratulations! Thank you for coming back and sharing.

"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches." "The first step toward change is acceptance." "Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That's all you have to do." "Change is not something you do, it's something you allow."- Will Garcia

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Thanks for the update,

Thanks for the update, keep up the good work :-).

It's good to have goals and dreams, but while you're waiting for things to change, waiting for promises to come to pass, don't be discontent with where you are. Learn to enjoy the season that you're in--Pastor Joel Osteen

d20
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22 weeks 3 days game free

22 weeks 3 days game free today.

I'm home from work today - with some time on my hands the devil tempted me for the first time in a long time to consider gaming again. But,

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:13

and,

"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." James 4:7

Really it became an encouragement to return here and to share, and see how long it has actually been since I gamed.

I am forever grateful to my Lord Jesus Christ, for his compassionate love and warning, and the stern discipline of my Father in Heaven who corrects me because he loves me as his own son.

1 John 2:15 Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16 For all that is in the world--the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life--is not from the Father but is from the world. 17 And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.

There's power in the name of Jesus over all things. God bless you all with total liberation from your enemies, healing and salvation for your souls and total redemption from all these snares of the world. Much love, ALL IN

Dan

... I will walk with integrity of heart
within my house;
I will not set before my eyes
anything that is worthless.
Psalm 101:2-3

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Congratulations, d20!!

Congratulations, d20!!

Acceptance. When I am disturbed, it is because a person, place, thing, or situation is unacceptable to me. I find no serenity until I accept my life as being exactly the way it is meant to be. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.  Acknowledge the problem, but live the solution!

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Hey D20, Congrats on 22

Hey D20,

Congrats on 22 weeks D20 I'm so pleased that Christ is your strength in this difficult journey of recovery. And I'm pleased that your recovery is continuing.

Please continue to keep us posted.

Tam

"It has become appallingly clear that our technology has surpassed our humanity"
Albert Einstein.

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Nice!  Glad to hear that

Nice! Glad to hear that you're doing well. Hugs...

When you're going through hell...keep going. --Winston Churchill There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still --Corrie ten Boom

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Fantastic news d20,

Fantastic news d20, congratulations! I am so happy for you. Take care!

"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches." "The first step toward change is acceptance." "Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That's all you have to do." "Change is not something you do, it's something you allow."- Will Garcia

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Grats!!! That's awesome. And

Grats!!! That's awesome. And thank you for posting. It really helps the newcomers and we have a lot lately.

d20
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Hi guys, It has been 33

Hi guys,

It has been 33 weeks since I last gamed. I am visiting today because it is a rainy day where I am home alone and the option of gaming presented itself to me. Quickly that option became a very ugly and unrealistic prospect for me. Today, I have decided that I will not be gaming.

I am grateful to be able to come here, and I come here instead of gaming.

I am grateful to have and to know God. I trust Him: He does not tempt me, but has provided a way of escape for me to get out of every temptation, so that I may bare it! And not be overwhelmed.

Yes, you may already guess, the key to my daily victory over gaming for the past 33 weeks is especially to do with the spiritual side of this program; my victory is through faith. What is faith? Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things we cant see.

Through faith, I have my most crucial personal relationship in my life: its with our God as my Father, through my Lord Jesus Christ (here is more than just a swear-word...)

God's invitation to know Him as a Father and to be with Him forever has come to sinful man through the Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who was sent to us by God to take away the sins of the world. Do you know Him?

Jesus Christ died on the cross to pay for our sins (since the wages of our sin is death), and He rose again from the dead 3 days later. When I called on Him, He saved me. I have made Jesus Christ my Lord. I had an unpayable debt cleared by His blood. I was given free access to God in Heaven and received the promise, Eternal Life.

An important part of this relationship is that my Father in Heaven disciplines me as His own child. My stepdad may have disciplined me as it seemed right to him, but God disciplines me only for my good, so I may live uprightly! Discipline is sometimes unpleasant while its happening, but having endured and been trained by it so far I have tasted its reward to be peace, freedom, and upright living.

Gaming is not for my good. I know that. So does my God, who trains and disciplines me against gaming because He loves me.

As His Spirit lives through me every day, and throughout the scriptures of the Holy Bible, He is teaching me self-control in so many things that I couldn't be more grateful.

Today, OLGANON remains my preference over gaming - it is one alternative provided for me to escape my old slave-master "gaming", and I am glad for it! Though I may not be reguarly active here, I keep coming back: I remain both encouraged and reminded whenever I revisit this place, and those are two very healthy things for me to be.

... I will walk with integrity of heart
within my house;
I will not set before my eyes
anything that is worthless.
Psalm 101:2-3

d20
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Hi guys, One day at a time,

Hi guys,

One day at a time, today has made me 38 weeks game free.

I'm home from work today and whenever that happens my first thought is to come here. For me this is part of resisting the temptation to game.

Today I just wanted to share with you guys a few things I have found to put my hand to since I quit gaming. I have found them really rewarding.

The first is a community breakfast I began with my wife late in 2013. We started by offering our own clothing and pantry items to the community from the church building on a Saturday morning.

Today I lead two teams which serve a breakfast, offer a wide selection of good quality clothing and grocery items every week. We are now donated to from within and without of the church, including committed weekly donations of milk and mountains of bread which are currently more than enough to meet the needs we're encountering. Its a great time to love on people and share testimony and the gospel.

The vision is meeting basic needs in a basic way, and that free to all.

Another thing I have put my hand to is a martial exercise, historical medieval battle (think knights, vikings). Once or twice a week I meet with local a group and we train with blunt steel weapons from the old days. I have enjoyed building two shields and making my own "chainmaille" out of wire. It is a great contest of strength and skill and has motivated me into regular diet and exercise.

Following on from that is the gym! I have really enjoyed exercising at the gym - though I was a bit nervous heading down to a gym for the first time by myself I have really found myself at home there and I have found a friend to train together with, which makes it way more fun. Up until recently I had only been exercising at home, but this has really taken my training to the next level. Its all working toward a goal I have in mind of joining the national team in contest at the "Battle of the Nations", but keeping generally fit and healthy is becoming more important to me too.

I've also dabbled in a bit of hunting, but I need to finish these repairs on my crossbow before I will go out again...

Anyway, these are a few things I have found to put my hand to. What about you?

... I will walk with integrity of heart
within my house;
I will not set before my eyes
anything that is worthless.
Psalm 101:2-3

Andrew_Doan
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Great share! I enjoy your

Great share! I enjoy your update!

I have been focusing on adding romance back into my severely neglected marriage. I purchased a "why I love you diary" and writing in it and placing the journal in various locations with love notes for my wife. I tell her why she is special with notes and engraved stones. We started having regular couples massages, which we both find relaxing, therapeutic and rejuvenating, like the purple rejuvination potions in Diablo! :)

Andrew P. Doan, MPH, MD, PhD

My Gaming Addiction Videos on YouTube: YouTube.com/@DrAndrewDoan

*The views expressed are of the author's and do not necessarily reflect the official policy of the U.S. Navy, DHA or Department of Defense.

d20
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Checking in at 50 weeks

Checking in at 50 weeks sobreity!

Andrew, thanks for your comment - I found it very encouraging. Since I last checked in I have cut out some of the commitments I mentioned to invest more time in my marriage. We share 3 date nights a fortnight now and its very enjoyable. :-)

God bless you guys...Resist the devil...There is a way provided through God out of every temptation!

... I will walk with integrity of heart
within my house;
I will not set before my eyes
anything that is worthless.
Psalm 101:2-3

Andrew_Doan
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d20 wrote: Checking in at
d20 wrote:

Checking in at 50 weeks sobreity!

Andrew, thanks for your comment - I found it very encouraging. Since I last checked in I have cut out some of the commitments I mentioned to invest more time in my marriage. We share 3 date nights a fortnight now and its very enjoyable. :-)

God bless you guys...Resist the devil...There is a way provided through God out of every temptation!

Awesome!!!!! You look BUFF TOO! AWESOME!

I've been reading the Bible daily and teaching. You may enjoy my daily videos!

www.facebook.com/DrAndrewDoan

Andrew P. Doan, MPH, MD, PhD

My Gaming Addiction Videos on YouTube: YouTube.com/@DrAndrewDoan

*The views expressed are of the author's and do not necessarily reflect the official policy of the U.S. Navy, DHA or Department of Defense.

MammaTam
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Thanks D20 for your regular

Thanks D20 for your regular updates. I always enjoy reading them. I find it very encouraging.

Prayer & Hugs

Tam

"It has become appallingly clear that our technology has surpassed our humanity"
Albert Einstein.

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