My little progress report topic (weekly) : about life after gaming mostly

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Jonhe
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My little progress report topic (weekly) : about life after gaming mostly

As a follow-up, in the proper forum, to my original topic ( http://www.olganon.org/?q=node/40645 ) I'm gonna continue to write about my progress in this topic . I think thats more appropriate.

Currently 5 weeks clean. (excluding roughly 15 minutes of angry birds yesterday)

Last week I posted about issues I had to work out, this week I can be a little bit more specific.

(It was much information to handle and there were much decisions to be made/ conclusions to be taken. )

Lets start with the positives:

First off, the exams: I'm trying to manage my way between them, the roster is still horrible, but I'm trying my best to pass them. I can't blame myself for anything regarding to that. Instead of gaming I've actually spend alot of that time studying. Lets hope the results will show that! I've had to drop one of them (today) because I was just too tired. I've decided I really want to finish my law degree though so fingers crossed, I wouldn't like being forced to quit now that Ive finally started putting in effort.

Then there's the girl Ive been dealing with (see the original topic), I finally came to the conclusion that if someone does not care about me (or is extremily bad at expressing it if she does), does not have a place in my life. No matter how much I valued our friendship (and more) there's no point in putting endless effort from only 1 side. I learned an important life lesson: both love and friendship come from 2 sides, if it only comes from one side it's doomed.

That being said, I've met up with a girl I met last year, things didnt work out back then. That was partly due to my gaming addiction, partly due to her having some issues of her own. I'm proud to say that I think we are heading towards a good relationship (girlfriend), she's a really sweet and cute girl :).

My body transformation is going quite well too , I'm starting to slightly see my obliques a little bit, I can't really get myself to drop all the tasty,yet unhealthy food (french fries, pizza,.. you get it ) so I will never get the superripped body, but at least I will be quite fit, Ive dropped my bodyfat by roughly 2~2.5% so far I believe (waist size = down by more more than an inch, if not 2). I suck at taking measurements so that's why its not superclear . I think I'm roughly at 14~15% BF now. I'm still superskinny but thats genetics I guess, at least i'm working on not being a skinny guy with a beer gut :). As you might know from my previous topic, this is mostly due to swimming three times a week for 1 hour, I do lift some small weights ( cant lift big at all with the still recovering-broken-arm)

Edit: I am taking pictures so I might upload them sometime here in the future ( the before and after), I currently haven't yet cause I'm still somewhat ashamed of my Pectus excavatum

Ive been watching some TV series and really enjoy them, it might not really be a positive but I enjoy it so why not put it on this list!

some of the negatives now:

I haven't had much time left to play the piano and the guitar, nor do I have time to really attempt to make new friends. I really wish I could spend more time in both of these areas.

Hopefully my therapist will be able to help some with the friendship issues. I just still don't feel a connection to alot of people. I suppose I have quite some social anxiety.. Facebook is becoming a slight problem, I'm spending alot of time watching if someone sended me a text or not, if someone likes my comment etc.. It still doesnt take up that much time but it's still not a good thing. I think its because deep down I crave for human contact.

Ive been youtubing "how to do" videos about some of the most basic things in life, the lack of experience can be really bothersome . I'm a bit too embarassed to write down the specific searches.

Lastly, I still sleep very badly,I try to hit the bed really early so I at least get some sleep in, most nights its just 5 h of sleep and 4-5 h of laying awake trying to sleep. The headaches and numb feeling have also returned.. maybe partly because of the sleep, but I'm convinced its also still a form of withdrawal.

Big update I know, so thanks for reading and see you next week :)

May Light
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I enjoyed reading your

I enjoyed reading your post!

I am really happy for you about the progress you made in such a short time, well done! Your post gives me hope for my son..

Take care!

PS: I don't know whether you would like to try drinking camomile tea about an hour before you go to bed. It relaxes me and helps with my sleep- I hope you don't mind me just throwing this idea here, please ignore if you don't want to hear it :-))

"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches." "The first step toward change is acceptance." "Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That's all you have to do." "Change is not something you do, it's something you allow."- Will Garcia

Jonhe
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Hey, thanks for the tip. I

Hey, thanks for the tip. I am currently doing that allready :) I'm not sure if it helps, but it sure doesn't hurt either!

Rob87
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Hello Jonhe, I can relate to

Hello Jonhe,

I can relate to your story so thanks for sharing your progress. I haven't been on the OLGAnon-website a lot but guess I haven't given it a chance really. So that's how I got to read your story here. "It works, if you work it!" so I might aswell make the effort to write a response :D

Facebook (and other social media like Instagram) are a risk for me aswell. I experienced that a lot of negative thoughts rise from visiting Facebook. And I even deleted my Facebook-account a couple of times, but just for a short period of time as I got the feeling I was missing something (nonsense really). At this point I still have an active Facebook-account and I still spend quite a lot of time on it. Writing this makes me seriously consider removing it again.

Concerning your sleeping problems I would like to say that I was taught to write a 'daily journal' during my rehab. I personally find peace doing so and it gets me to sleep easily most of the times. My daily journal involves:
- writing some keywords in a so called "wheel of recovery", concerning my physical, social, spiritual, environmental, mental, and emotional condition that day.
- write a significant event that day in my recovery. For example something I was proud of that day or something I learned (NOT) to do.
- write a list of things I am gratefull for that day (food on my plate, a chat with a friend, the sunshine that day, having a bed to sleep in etc.) It makes me appreciate what I got!

Wow! I noticed that writing this down makes me feel good. But I'll keep it with this now.

Thanks again for sharing, and keep coming back (I know I will). Best of luck with your recovery!

Greetings,

Rob

Born in 1987, the Netherlands | Recovering addict since January 2013.
During treatment of addiction I began to acknowledge the problem.
One day at a time; trying my best to live the solution.
Just for Today; I have a choice.

Jonhe
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6 weeks clean Thanks for the

6 weeks clean

Thanks for the post! I feel you about Facebook man, but its not my primary issue right now. I think it will improve once I get more real-life contact time in. At least thats what I hope, if not I might have to end up deleting it as well.

Off to the report now, it'll be a bit short because I'm not feeling very well.

This week has been a relapse week for me, not in gaming but in self-destructive thought patterns.

Me and the girl became "official" (perhaps too quick) and I've been stressed out about it... ALOT. In my head I'm sure shes gonna leave me soon. And as we all know, having such thought patterns will lead to that happening in the end. I dont have an appointment with my therapist untill the 10th of september and I'm pretty sure I will **** things up with her beforehand. The first girl, my original crush, came back to me too, I intend on telling her she missed her shot... stressed out about that too.

Furthermore there have been people talking to me about me being with her ( congratulations etc) and that too is killing me, I dont know how to handle it and it stresses me out even more. F***** social anxiety.

I've neglected my study this week as well. Or at least didn't put in half the effort I've been putting in the last weeks, instead I've been watching series and the facebook thing to try 'n keep my head of both the study and the girl. It's a lame way of dealing with things but at least its better than gaming (Meditation isn't my cup of tea)

Last but not least, my swimming pool got closed for a while, it's killing me as this was my primary stress relief.

Sorry for all the negativity.. Everythings crumbling apart and its just annoying. I would almost just go back in the "hiding cave" of gaming just to get away from this; I can't though, I would lose all the self-respect that I tried to build up these past weeks very fast..

LearningSerenity
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Hugs, Johne.  Lots of

Hugs, Johne. Lots of changes all at once are upsetting, even if they're good changes. I know that for me, I need to get to meetings and spend lots of time talking to fellow addicts if I'm going to keep my head screwed on straight while things are changing fast. I hope that you're able to get the support that you need while you learn how to adjust to the new normal of having a girlfriend...

When you're going through hell...keep going. --Winston Churchill There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still --Corrie ten Boom

braden
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Hi Jonhe! I got caught up on

Hi Jonhe!

I got caught up on all of your update posts and I really enjoy reading all of the good things that are happening in your life!

Getting in a relationship with a really nice cute girl can be quite an accomplishment. She must like the heck out of you if you guys are dating, so just relax and enjoy the fun.

If you don't mind me asking, what are you studying in college? Your classes sound hard :x

Keep up the good work! ^_^

bob001
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Rob87 wrote: At this point I
Rob87 wrote:

At this point I still have an active Facebook-account and I still spend quite a lot of time on it. Writing this makes me seriously consider removing it again.

What you do is change the password to something you won't remember, write it down on a piece of paper because you need to have it to delete the account. When you delete it, bin the piece of paper. Now you can't back get on.

No more!

Maggie
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Hey bob, You can not delete

Hey bob,

You can not delete the FB account (can deactivate but u can still log in later on) and even when u changed the password to something that you don't remember, you can still reset the password later on. You can try to 3rd party software or have some computer tech block the site completely if FB is really a problem. I had the same problem before, but now my impulsive behavior is getting better, I had my husband turned FB back on.

Maggie

It's good to have goals and dreams, but while you're waiting for things to change, waiting for promises to come to pass, don't be discontent with where you are. Learn to enjoy the season that you're in--Pastor Joel Osteen

Jonhe
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I'm a bit late this week,

I'm a bit late this week, kept delaying because alot of very personal/intimate things happened. Writing these things down here gives me a bit of relaxation and thats why I decided to share it. It's quite chaotic problably, I do apologize for that in advance.

As usual in my reports I will barely mention gaming at all so you can stop right here if you are intrested in that aspect . (I mainly write about my challenges, archievements and so on in real life.)

First off some answers to questions/ to do some opening statements :

- Braden: I'm studying law and the city you've been to was Brugges I guess? ;)

- To the guys I'm in the Gmail conversation with, I'm sorry for not really participating. Somehow it feels more personal and I get shy and stressed talking about personal things even over mail. For some reason this global report suits me better at this point.

- Same reason why I dont attend to meetings, other than the timezone, for me it feels alot more personal. Too personal for me and my comfort level, I allready have alot of stress without it.

-Another week gamefree, I struggled today, watched some ingame videos of a game I used to play. Also almost opened the game itself to "pwn some noobs". Didn't though so no problem I guess..

- Alot of my free time is still spent on doing nothing, not sure if it's because I want to game or because I just don't know what to do... Problaly the first. Very little gets done in a day at least in general..

*removed*

I also got my exam results , I passed 3/6 , only participated in 5. I'm not sure if I'm happy about it, I wanted 4, I really did...

Tuesday I was crushed mentally (read all of the above as to why). Either way I had some things I had to do. First I met up with my surgeon for my arm, I can function again normally, or start to.. which means I'll be able to lift things again properly.. I really expected this to make me happier. No go though. I can't recall what I did during the day but I got to see my therapist in the evening. She could see my anxiety/nervousness/being stressed out from a mile away apparently. Told me I started to relapse into bad habbits I used to do prior to therapy.. she's right. I cant help it though.

*removed*

Short summary: Self esteem is back to square 1, pretty sure I'm still depressed , didn't game, university performance was average at most.

All of these things plus a brand new bladder infection equals me being totally stressed.

Thanks for reading.

Jon

braden
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Hi Johne, I really enjoyed

Hi Johne,

I really enjoyed reading your post. I sometimes feel that the chatroom is too intimate as well, so I understand your desire to keep things open in the public forum. All of these comments are my opinions and thoughts...i hope you don't take offense. ^_^

Yes, it was Brugges!!! omg so so so gorgeous....have you had the chance to go there? everything there just looks and feels like it comes from a rich classical painting...maybe I'm just too used to the small boring midwestern american parking-lot-towns. beautiful downtowns all over the USA have died out for big corporate malls and Walmart, etc etc (except in some cities). Belgium is so beatiful and sooo old ^_^ love your country mate

So..a few questions/comments, if you don't mind ^.^

1) When you say "my crush", do you mean that you have a crush on her (into her) or do you mean that she is into you? It seemed that you were saying that she digs you, she is into you, and so I think that would make you "her crush", but idk. just a technicality ^_^

2) Seems like you put down videogames for a few days and all the ladies are into you!! ^_^ you must be quite a charmer! Idk if the girls were pursuing you previously (during your gaming phases), but it sounds like you are getting more opportunities since you've stopped gaming?

3) I don't understand the European grading system, but I've heard classes are really really hard in Belgium. So is a 3/6 ok, meaning passable, but not superior? Whatever it means, hugs mate

4) edit--sorry for explicitness

5) Our thoughts are rarely a mirror of reality. Johne, I'm sure you see, objectively, that if a few different females are pursuing you, you must have something worth pursuing. I can see your rich heart, your gifted mind, your wisdom and intellect. When our minds can't see the good things about ourselves, we must turn to others who can be a better mirror. Eventually I hope you (and I) can build up the self confidence to love ourselves and see the good in ourselves, but some of that occurs chemically, unconsciously, I do believe. Try your best to accept the compliments of others and your gf and try to follow the time-tried cliche: To love others you must first love yourself.

6) You are a great person. Try to surround yourself with others that see the greatness and goodness in you. It's just so obvious on this forum, that is, your goodness and greatness. I hope you can find other positive people who will build you up even further.

7) When all else fails, perhaps you could try something to treat the biological depression (if it is that). I take vitamin D. lol. I've concluded (and so have medical tests) that my body doesn't make enough of the good feeling drug that others have, and so I'm taking 10,000 IU's of Vitamin D3 daily. Obviously, ask a doctor before trying anything drastic, but maybe a little sunshine will help? It gives the same benefit that vitamin D3 does (sunshine tells your cells to make D3).

keep posting i enjoyed your blog!

Jonhe
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8 weeks (I think) clean I've

8 weeks (I think) clean

I've removed most of my previous post,just in case.

About 4) thanks but my problem isn't with lasting long enough, its a bit different.

Going to answer you questions first:

1) I used to be into this girl, but I was convinced she didn't like me/ wasn't into me. Now that she is the one into me it's a bit more complicated, I still refer to her as my crush because its easier to differentiate who I mean. I still have some feelings but I try to numb them down.

2) I'm not sure, since I barely went out except in weekends. I think I'm not unattractive at least when I dont look a zombie from gaming all day, that should help. Hope that didn't sound arrogant.

3) 6 exams, passed 3. Problaly wasn't very clear about that sry :P . I have to take up extra courses now which is a bit meh.

Your 5th and 6th points are so true! It's often our head that holds us back more than the reality. Overthinking things needlessly and stuff.

I'm trying to work on it as well. High five for us, we'll get there :) I feel like I'm making improvements!

I'm not sure about 7. Time will tell !

The report :

Another week gamefree!

Quite a positive week i might add..

Didnt have time to even think about gaming. Ive been at my girlfriends place for most of the week and had my birthday and so on going on.

Meeting her friends (she got a ton) is quite stressful, yet at the same time meeting new people was one of my goals after quitting gaming!

I really don't know what to talk about yet with people, but I'm going to improve my social skills over time I guess, currently its the boring old : where you from/what uni you go to/ what sports do you do/.. . Then followed by awkward silences after those topics are over.

Due to being busy socially I did neglect my sports (completely) other than a few rounds of shooting free throws on saturday. I've also neglected playing music.

The combination of all the things I want to do is a bit hard, especially since I'm not really productive yet with the spare time at home. Have a habit of just browsing the web/checking facebook/Youtube. Suppose it's still the habit of being at the pc sometimes.

Uni starts next week again, I'm quite looking forward to it. I am starting with a good motivation :) .

Mononucleosis is apparently the reason for being tired alot, yey. Quite happy about that,it will just pass with time . Sleeping slighty better in general allready!

Jonhe
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9 weeks clean Not really in

9 weeks clean

Not really in the mood to type alot, but most is going well!

Jonhe
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No longer clean, a friend

No longer clean, a friend linked me a stupid webgame... I got hooked instantly, been playing it alot since he linked me to it yesterday... then I went to play 1 RTS game. Arf..

LearningSerenity
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Hugs, Jonhe.  Glad you came

Hugs, Jonhe. Glad you came back to let us know, and I know that you'll get back to doing the things that work. I don't know if you do this or not, but I think that the real beginning of my recovery can be traced to the first time that I decided to learn from a relapse...instead of beating myself up, I actually asked myself a whole bunch of questions about WHY I relapsed and learned a lot about myself and my addiction. It made a big difference, and although there have been relapses since then, my overall trajectory since then has very much been upward...

When you're going through hell...keep going. --Winston Churchill There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still --Corrie ten Boom

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