Recovery Journal (Day 0/100 Videogame Free)

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Palindrome5
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Recovery Journal (Day 0/100 Videogame Free)

The idea behind this is to keep a journal detailing my emotions through a period of 100 days of gaming abstinence. I'm not quite sure how I'll format this but I did a very similar journal a while ago based on porn addiction and it was very helpful. I'll probably update this at least once a week, sometimes on a daily basis, and I'll do my best from writing enormous posts.

Day 1

I woke up at 5pm and felt awful. I forced myself to shower and cook a simple meal before coming on to the computer, a rarity for me these days, believe it or not. I had my mom come over for emotional support and to prevent me from ordering takeout. Afterwards I joined one of the open meetings, which was interesting, although a little slow paced for my tastes. Then again, I desperately need to learn more patience. I'll probably come join the beginner meeting on friday.

I'm going to leave my computer off for the remainder of the night (it's currently 10pm) and spend time between household chores and going outside for fresh air. I know it will be a real challenge for my patience but it will do me a world of good.

Maggie
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Hi Palindrome,  Welcome to

Hi Palindrome,

Welcome to Olga! Congrats on your 1st day! Meeting is wonderful and I rarely missed my meeting in the first 30 days in my recovery except when I had to work late. Welcome aboard and keep it up!

Maggie

It's good to have goals and dreams, but while you're waiting for things to change, waiting for promises to come to pass, don't be discontent with where you are. Learn to enjoy the season that you're in--Pastor Joel Osteen

Palindrome5
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Day 2 Oh my, the struggles

Day 2

Oh my, the struggles continue. I ended up reverting to a lot of old websites I'd visit that weren't related to gaming, and watched some movies. I tried meditating which helped me fall asleep until 1 am, but then the 2nd round of meditation didn't cure my insomnia. I ended up passing out on my couch besides the computer and had the weirdest dream. I snuck out of my house in the middle of the night to a beach and took a ski-doo all the way to India (don't ask how), and proceeded to hit on all the tourists there, to no avail. I guess part of me wants to return to that lifestyle for all the thrills it entailed, even though it was accompanied by constant heartache and suffering. Anyway, I just woke up, 5:30 pm this time! I can't believe how intense the withdrawal is, as if being away from a plasma screen completely disturbs my biological clock or my hormones or something.

Another thing this 2 day fast has made me realize is that I cannot stand letting my mind be inactive. It is completely restless, and I need to divert that energy towards something, anything. I've been thinking of maybe writing a novel or designing a website/blog, and even wrote a passage yesterday, which I might as well share.

Quote:

Upon entering the shower and running the shower head, he slowly sat at the base of the tub, hunched over almost in a foetal position. The warm water blew oblivion into his face as he tried to metaphorically drain his sorrows, as irrational as that may seem. It was his own quiet expression of anguish.

After exiting the shower he stood there, staring blankly ahead at the bathroom mirror ahead, the top half of his reflection obscured by steam. Something about this moment was beautifully hypnotic, even in its evident despair. He had many strange moments like this recently, feelings of clarity striking at the most haphazard moments.

So, wish me luck maintaining my sanity, exam in 2 (!!!) days and I need to study for that, even if it means being stuck in front of the plasma screen that's obviously disrupting my system.

Maggie
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Best of luck to you...Keep

Best of luck to you...Keep us posted! Keep it up :-).

It's good to have goals and dreams, but while you're waiting for things to change, waiting for promises to come to pass, don't be discontent with where you are. Learn to enjoy the season that you're in--Pastor Joel Osteen

Palindrome5
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Day 3 I am seriously in hell

Day 3

I am seriously in hell right now. To cope with not being able to play videogames I do anything else to distract myself- eat excessively, watch porn, read internet articles (both stupid and intellectual), like I'm generally addicted to a digital fix, or more abstractedly addiction itself. I woke up at 11 am, fell asleep until 1pm, then 3pm, then finally got up at my usual 5pm waking time. My sleep schedule is so messed up that I haven't the slightest clue what my biological clock thinks is normal. I'm trying to study but everything's a bit of a haze, and I can't afford to procrastinate any further because my exam is tomorrow! It's miserable to deal with because I cannot concentrate for long periods of time when I'm this tired, which is why I always revert to these sort of lethargic, automatic behaviours. I've trained my mind very poorly, and it will take a long while to fix this damage.

dan1
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Palindrome, Big hugs.  You

Palindrome,

Big hugs. You are in the worst part of detox, it sounds like to me. If you are on day 3, then you don't have much longer to go before it will start getting better. Your brain is screaming for dopamine, and if you stay away from games, it will start producing more on its own and you will start to stabilize. Just hang on.

Don't worry right now about all the useless crazy stuff you are doing to not game. Here's the word: Anything legal to not game. All that stuff is saving you from games, so for the moment it's good. In the coming days and weeks, as the withdrawal symptoms calm down, you can stop or reduce those activities. Can't keep overeating forever or it has bad consequences, of course....

You have seen the list of withdrawal symptoms, right? There is a link on the right hand side of the home page. Just so you know you're not alone. It can be terrible at first. But over time, it calms down, and your brain will recover.

We have a meeting tomorrow at 3p.m Eastern in the chat room, and the regular meeting at 9EST. Hope to see you at one of them.... Best wishes.

I am a recovering computer game and gambling addict. My recovery birthday: On May 6, 2012 I quit games and began working a program of recovery through OLGA No computer games or slot games for me since December 12, 2012. No solitaire games with real cards since June 2013.

LearningSerenity
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What Dan said.  Withdrawal

What Dan said. Withdrawal is not cool, but the only way through it is to keep going without the games. A lot of the symptoms start to fade in a week or two, although some of them may linger for a while (maybe even a long while) after that. When I first got serious about quitting gaming, I found myself suddenly doing all kinds of things in a seemingly addictive fashion that I'd never had a problem with before. One of those things has turned out to be an addiction in its own right, but a lot of the rest are things that I've been able to refrain from doing pretty easily after I got some clean time. I still overdo them if I start, but without the obsession to start, I can't call it an addiction (thankfully). Don't give up...

When you're going through hell...keep going. --Winston Churchill There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still --Corrie ten Boom

Gettingalife
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Three basics that tend to be

Three basics that tend to be neglected when gaming are nutrition, exercise and sleep. Just being aware of these three can be a big help with the withdrawl symptoms. I'm not suggesting in any way, shape or form that you attempt any sort of regimen when you're in withdrawls, but simply be aware of sugar and caffeine intake especially and take some small step toward moving around - walk around the house, walk to the corner and back, any small amount of physical exertion you can manage comfortably. Exercise will help a lot with the anxiety and will help to regulate your sleep in the long run. Initially, you may want to sleep a lot. Let yourself sleep as needed the first week especially.

Acceptance. When I am disturbed, it is because a person, place, thing, or situation is unacceptable to me. I find no serenity until I accept my life as being exactly the way it is meant to be. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.  Acknowledge the problem, but live the solution!

Palindrome5
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Thanks guys, I'm doing my

Thanks guys, I'm doing my best to hang in there. This especially spoke to me

Quote:

Your brain is screaming for dopamine, and if you stay away from games, it will start producing more on its own and you will start to stabilize.

Seen that way, I guess it's fine to see myself as trying to get by with as little a digital fix as possible without going cold turkey right away (ie not even TV shows) since otherwise I'd go bananas. No amount of discipline can handle the hormonal disturbance this abstinence causes.

I'm getting scared because this sleep problem is truly getting out of control. I am probably sleeping close to 16 hours a day, probably not awake for more than 5 hours at a time, and it's completely random whether I feel refreshed or awful. I really hope it passes soon because this is no way to live.

Bill F.
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Big hugs Palindrome.  Like

Big hugs Palindrome.

Like Dan said, you're in the thick of it right now. My suggestion is to (within reason) do whatever it takes to not game. A huge help for me was/is getting out of my place of addiction - my house - Especially when I need to study or do something school related. A coffeeshop or bookshop (or your university library, since you're in exams it's probably open 24 hours/day), are all better places to than at your home in front of the gaming environment. The longer I sit still and try to fight an urge, the more dangerous it is for me.

If you have to use a computer to study, I'd suggest using public library computers from your school. My experience is that my gaming is a shameful thing for me, and that because I was so emabarassed about it, if I was in a public place (where people can clearly see what I'm doing) than I feel less inclined to game.

Again, big hugs and I hope you stay strong, and keep coming back through this. Just remember, it's only an exam, it's not a big deal, and don't game just for today.

Last game played: April 24th 2014

Palindrome5
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Well, I relapsed. More than

Well, I relapsed. More than 11 straight hours of gaming. I can't be taking on this commitment at exam time, it's just too stressful. I did stop myself in saying "Why are you even doing this? Just stop."

On the plus side, I did wake up at 11 am this morning.

Maggie
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Hugs Palindrome and welcome

Hugs Palindrome and welcome back! Don't ever give up up, the withdrawal symptoms do get better. Just try to take one day at a time and be patience. Here is what I often do when I have gaming urge and I hope you will find it helpful.

http://olganon.org/?q=node/42509

Hugs,

Maggie

It's good to have goals and dreams, but while you're waiting for things to change, waiting for promises to come to pass, don't be discontent with where you are. Learn to enjoy the season that you're in--Pastor Joel Osteen

LearningSerenity
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Hugs, Palindrome.  I'm not

Hugs, Palindrome. I'm not sure what commitment you're referring to...gaming, or staying away from games, so I'm not sure what to say next. This much I do know though...we're still here for you, and as they say, "There's no problem so bad that gaming won't make it worse." Hugs...

When you're going through hell...keep going. --Winston Churchill There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still --Corrie ten Boom

dan1
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Palindrome, When you come

Palindrome,

When you come back and decide to quit again, here are things that help a lot of us and help a lot:

Meetings (including face-to-face meetings of other fellowships). One or more each day.

Get phone numbers and call other recovering addicts.

Plenty of sleep, good food, some exercise.

Get away from triggers, do anything legal to not start that first game today.

And hang on through the detox period.

Big hugs. Addiction is an elevator going down. If you decide to hit the "STOP" button, we're here for you.

I am a recovering computer game and gambling addict. My recovery birthday: On May 6, 2012 I quit games and began working a program of recovery through OLGA No computer games or slot games for me since December 12, 2012. No solitaire games with real cards since June 2013.

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