rough day

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halcy
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rough day

I found myself home from work a little early this evening, and decided that I wanted to take advantage of one of the few nice days left where I live. After having a nice long trip around town and back home, I sat down at my computer. After having not thought about gaming all day, my mind inexplicably went directly to my game of choice, and I circumvented the website address block I put in place by pulling it up on my mobile device. My mind has been obsessively trying to justify why it would be alright for me to reinstall. In my head, I have reasoned that I could mitigate things this time- do work inbetween playing. In the same space of thought, I picture how wonderful it would be to stay up all night catching up on the playing I haven't been doing since this most recent attempt to quit.

My mind is not being particularly rational or helpful. It is now jumping to all kinds of other games I used to play. Strong memories and associations with how much enjoyment I gleaned from gaming are exerting a lot of influence on me. My brain is telling me that gaming is the most fun I have had in life, and that the things I am pursuing in "real life" are not nearly as entertaining or rewarding as gaming is. What is very frustrating at the moment, is that in this moment, a large part of me believes this.

But the bottom line is that I have NOT reinstalled tonight. I am patiently waiting for the meeting to start tonight at eight, and will try to focus only on making it through today. Tomorrow is a battle that frankly scares the crap out of me, as I'll be home and alone all day. But that's for tomorrow I guess. For now I just want to stay on an even keel and try to find some sense of these feelings.

Thank you for reading,

-halcy

Reddog
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Way to stay strong!

Way to stay strong!

"Yesterday is History, Tomorrow a Mystery, Today is a Gift, Thats why it's called the Present"

Wildstarwidow
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halcy wrote:   But the
halcy wrote:

But the bottom line is that I have NOT reinstalled tonight.

Hi halcy

Don't think beyond today, it becomes too much. Don't tackle your whole life's problems at once. Don't find fault with the future you. They will take care of themselves.

Just for today, you didn't install the game. Job done.

Great work.

Lisa3333
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Hugs!  Some days are like

Hugs! Some days are like that for no reason and wow, just awesome you did exactly the right move in not only not giving in to it but in telling others here in recovery. Hope today is going better. I have to use the slogan "This too shall pass" when I have a day or two like yours and get to meetings.

Hugs, Lisa Video game free since 4/17/2014

halcy
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Thank you everyone for your

Thank you everyone for your support, advice and kindness.

Today has been difficult as well. Work has kept me honest, so to speak, and that is a blessing. The urges have come every few hours or so, and my mind continues to rationalize why gaming would be alright for me. When this happens, I keep coming back to the forums and doing my best to find whatever inspiration I can in the stories of others who share in this addiction.

Here's hoping I can make it to the weekend. The hard part will start tomorrow after work, when I begin a two-week vacation.

Hope all is well with everyone here.

-halcy

dan1
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Hugs, as we say. For the

Hugs, as we say.

For the vacation: I would do two things: Stay closely connected with the fellowship (there are lots of meetings each day), and start some new stuff: hobbies, buy some new books to read, or do some volunteering, say at the local food bank. Helping others gets us out of ourselves and our own self-centered thinking.

Best wishes. See you at the meeting. :)

I am a recovering computer game and gambling addict. My recovery birthday: On May 6, 2012 I quit games and began working a program of recovery through OLGA No computer games or slot games for me since December 12, 2012. No solitaire games with real cards since June 2013.

Outofmans
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You are definitely on the

You are definitely on the right track posting here instead of doing a reinstall. Think how far you have come that you even deleted your game of choice in the first place. Maybe look at the 2 week vacation from the perspective of future you, who doesn't desire to play videogames so strongly. What does that person want to do with their time off they assumedly worked hard to earn? They probably wouldn't look at paid time off with such dread :) Perhaps you can look to that future self for some suggestions of what to do with your time. Come here of course as needed too. I'm not too huge on posting myself, I mostly just read old posts when I get an urge to game and it helps quite a lot. There are a lot of ways to use the resources here.

Today is the first day of the rest of your REAL life.

halcy
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Thank you Dan1 and

Thank you Dan1 and Outofmans, both. Dan1, I appreciate the encouragement and I too hope to see you at a meeting. It's my intention to start making more of them when I can.

Outofmans-

That was a really helpful suggestion, and very well articulated too! It's not an exercise I have much mastery of, but seems particularly useful in this case. I will take that advice to heart and work on it some- especially when urges start to come on.

There was some pretty aberrant thinking happening today. At one point I found myself considering what I really wanted more, and what would make me happier: to be successful in life, or to give up entirely and retreat into games. The answer that came alarmed me. That my mind would at any point feel that a computer game would be preferable to real life as a matter of longterm lifestyle was, to say the least, upsetting. Giving up an addiction brings on a pretty peculiar kind of unhappiness.

Best to everyone this evening. I'd love to make the meeting tonight, but I have agreet to start meeting a friend every morning bright and early for exercise, so I'll be in dreamland.

Thanks again,

-halcy

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