Sharing our experience, strength and hope to support each other to recover from problems resulting from excessive game playing.
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To my violin teachers, Adrian & Rebecca:
I am sorry for not practicing enough. I know you see potential in me. Thank you for believing in me, encouraging me, and nurturing my talent.
- Jennifer Ann
Thank you so much, dan939 for saying that I am wise beyond my years!!! I have always been precocious....Because of this step I have taken; I have promised my mom to help pay for my dental bills. So I am taking some responsibility. God bless you, dan939.
There was a moment after a recent vacation with my girlfriend (I began dating only recently, it's still a new experience) that I realized I found joy outside of the world of fantasy we've all been exposed to . . . and I admit, this had a strong influence in my decision to stop. She has my eternal gratitude for helping me discover this. Even if our relationship sours at some point. . . I will not forget that moment.
To my Darling Husband,
I am sorry I broke your heart in my gaming addicted state....I am sorry I made you cry. I am sorry that I caused you so much pain. I am sorry about all the late nights I stayed up gaming. I am sorry for ignoring you. I am sorry for putting someone else's needs, someone I didn't know, in front of your needs. I am sorry for making you Angry and confused. I am sorry for falling in love with someone else emotionally. You are my entire world. I love you so much. Thank you for giving me another chance and for celebrating 15 years of marriage together. I promise to give up gaming. I promise to communicate better. I promise not to hurt you again if I can help it. I have fallen in love with you all over again, because even when I hurt you so badly, You still had my back. You really are my Soulmate and the love of my life. Thank you for your forgiveness...
Second Life escapee as of Oct 26, 2012 (feel free to Private Message me, I will always return a response) ~Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment~. Buddha http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXr8-D8rJ6c&feature=fvwrel Abandon-HOLD ON!
This is such a beautiful thread...God bless you all.
Thank you Ron for the post, from a long time ago I see. I have just entered this nightmare. Your post gives me hope that one day my previously socially, emotionally, academically,and sportingly competent and intelligent teenage son will return, from his nightmare (which for him is still a fancy-filled dream). And until that happens, I will love him and care for him unconditionally (and with detachment when necessary). Because when/if he comes back, I want him to at least have that (my unwavering love for him) to remember from these dark, dismal and destructive days.
"Try to be impeccable, with words"
You are most welcome, Pelson. :)
I might suggest that you be careful about trying to ascribe memories of how he used to be with how you perceive him to be now. While I'm sure all those things are true, he's not the same person now that he was years ago. Life for him has gotten a lot more complicated with school, friendships, relationships, etc. He's at the age where he's trying to break away from his parents and establish himself, while also discovering that life outside the nest is frought with complications, mixed-signals and disappointment. While not pleasant, we all need those bad situations to help us grow and learn about ourselves and discover that we can overcome the challenges of life. No parent wants to see their child unhappy, but it's usually the unhappy situations we have to deal with that help us grow the most as people.
By comparing the complicated person he is today with the idealized person you remember from his childhood or even from a year or so ago, it may just create an image that he will never be able to live up to again in your mind and will thus, always fall short of those memories you have of him.
And I think part of what you perceive to be "dark, dismal and destructive days" may just be your own mourning of the transition of your son from childhood to adulthood. The times I shared with my mom when I was growing up were a constant source of conversation and memories for her as I got older. At first I was embarrassed with her stories, but as I got older I came to appreciate how much I meant to her, as your son will make the same realization about you one day. Hang in there. :)
Co-Founder of OLGA and member since 2002
Wise words indeed, thank you Ron
Sorry, Mum, for being rude, dismissive, irritable and sometimes downright nasty. I know all you want from me is some reciprocation of your love. Mostly, you just want to be able to demonstrate your love, and I behave as though this is an irksome inconvenience. I should feel fondness when I see your face, not annoyance. I should think of you as a person, not an object that stands in the way of things I want to do. I should be gratified that you want to talk to me. I should be grateful that you let your 26 year old son live under your roof without a job, and you never pressure him. You just support him. You are proud of him for his achievements, even though they are small and much later than they should be. I couldn't ask for a better mother in adulthood, however much our relationship is complicated by the altercations of our younger days.
To my Dad, you don't say anything, but I feel your concern. I share your disappointment. I could do better. I can do better. Please continue to push me, to expect the best from me, to demand the most from me even in casual conversation. Even if I get annoyed, it helps me develop. It gives me focus. It makes me want to be better, so I can be the kind of son you would be proud of.
To my tutor Rachel, you called me a natural at your subject on the first day we met. You made me feel like your favourite student. I repaid you by failing your exam, because I was too interested in playing games to revise. I let myself think I didn't need to work hard. I am not used to teachers believing in me. I sometimes think I purposefully sabotage myself, I lower expectations so that I don't have to work so hard to meet them. I wanted to be that mythical person who experience good fortune for minimum effort. I thought that was owed to me for my intelligence. I was narcissistic. I was lazy.
To my past self, I'm sorry I didn't achieve what you dreamed, even though we had the potential. To my future self, I'm sorry I've messed things up, and I hope you don't worry too often about where you could be now if it hadn't been for me.
To my brothers, I'm sorry we don't have an honest relationship, despite how well we get on. I wish I could tell you that I am not like you. I don't have it all together. I'm not in control. I can't enjoy games in moderation as you both can, instead I obsess over them and fall down the rabbit hole. I love, respect, envy and am awed by both of you for the lives you built for yourselves.
To my pets, I'm sorry you were neglected, and Mum had to pick up the slack. I loved you, but my love was worthless because I did the bare minimum to care for you. I made myself afraid to have children, in case I treat them the same way.
To my best friend Jade, I'm sorry you had to see that side of me. I'm sorry I made something that should have been a treasured experience of shared interest into something ugly, because I couldn't keep my temper. I couldn't understand why you couldn't keep up, why you couldn't play the game perfectly, why you couldn't be a machine, or another version of me. I'm sorry to my first ever girlfriend for the same thing. I wish I could erase the unnerved looks on both your faces from my memory. That person was not the person you knew. You didn't sign up for that person. You didn't want to know about him, and I don't blame you. You laughed it off and let it go because you are good people, better than I ever was.
To my most recent ex, we had our difficulties, but I want you to know that when I was dismissive, it was not because you were doing anything wrong, it was because I was not paying attention and I didn't want to be bothered with you. I was playing games, and you couldn't see because we were in separate places, and I never told you that I was dividing my attention into something trivial, and resenting you for bothering me with real worries and problems when all I wanted to do was play the game. I want you to know that you, too, are better than me. With your insurmountable obstacles, you still got yourself out of bed every day and did the things you needed to do, without knowing why. I had all the advantages. I liked my life, my mood was stable and I knew what I wanted to do and why. But I repeatedly squandered it for the sake of a game.
To my gamer friends, I'm sorry for my jealously and resentment. I hope you can't see it, I try to keep it under wraps. You are successful, intelligent, focussed people who made gaming work for you. I failed. So I experience Schadenfreude for your failings, and a selfish desire to beat you at things that you care about passionately, which I do not care about in the slightest, just to prove to myself that I am better than you, or at least as good. I hope it's clear that I do this because of my own issues, and that it is a diseased mindset I am trying to fight. I hope it's clear that behind all this, I support you fully and hope for your success.
To my friends in general, I am sorry I have unrealistic expectations. I'm sorry I want you to never let me down and to be utterly predictable. I'm sorry I put you on a pedestal made of polystyrene; an expectation of the world built of of years of playing games. I want to appreciate you for the people you are. I want your idiosyncrasies, and the fullness of your being. I want your character, and the amusement this brings, even if it can also be frustrating. I want the tangibility of these real relationships. When it isn't there, I miss it. When I'm in my right mind, I know what I have missed out on.
I am sorry for all those of you who never knew I had a problem. I pretended to be doing work, if seen. I talked casually of my gaming. I played it down. I lied. When I was “off sick” I was not sick. When I couldn't face something, I was hiding in video games rather than addressing the problem. I was not being a complicated, flawed genius who needs to recuperate. I was being a coward. I was hiding inside interactive fiction. I was wasting my life, and making it sound like an inevitability, or a virtue.
I hope it is clear that there is a better person in me, and he wants the gift of life and loved ones. He appreciates their presence and the brightness they bring to his life. He wants to get clean, so he can treat them with the respect the deserve.
Control is about day to day, active choice.
Fisrtly, I want to say sorry to my mom. I apologize for ignoring your advice and being rude to you. I game all the time, but you stll cook for me, wash and iron my clothes, wake me up if im late for work and don't throw me out of the house. You are the most loving person in my life and I apologise for not noticing it and not giving back. Love you, mom.
I am sorry, dad, for being such a failure of a son. You have surrendered so many of your desires just to give me a chance of a better life and I am just wasting it all. Im really sorry for your hard life and i wish you speed recovery from alchokolism. I love you.
I am sorry , boss. You provide me with best work environment and pay well and you always try to solve my inefficiency problems and give me second chances to be better at my job. I apologise for being greedy and selfish and not putting all my effort into doing my job well.
Sorry, friends for not paying attention to you.You are always there when I need a lift and I love you for being such great friends. I am sryy, my best friend for driving your car more than we agreed without asking your permission. I am really sorry that gaming has made me such an arrogant asshole. Thank you for dragging me to school and giving me a chance for better job. you are the best.
Im sorry all my relatives for not participating in any meetings. I just feel ashamed. Sorry, godfather, for avoiding you. You provided me with clothing and other gifts when times were hard and i love you for that.
Im sorry, stepbrother, for being inpatient and arrogant. You came for help with your alchocol addiction, but i feel like I didnt give the best support. I appreciate the help you gave to my family when times were hard for us and you was well. I hope you stay clear, I love you.
Thank you OLGA community for being online, even the forum helps.