Resentment

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Patria
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Resentment

Thoughts For The Day

Resentment

July 8, 2013

Resentment
^*^*^
"I
t is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance
and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die."

1976AAWS, Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 66
^*^*^*^*^*

Thought to Consider . . .

We are prisoners of our own resentments.
Forgiveness unlocks the door and sets us free.

*~*~*OLGA NYMS*~*~*
F E A R = Frustration, Ego, Anxiety, Resentment

Kim
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That looks better 

That looks better

Game free since February 4 2013

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I'm trying hard, Pat.  How

I'm trying hard, Pat. How does one forgive when the other person keeps berating me? Is there ever a time to not forgive but just to accept?

Gettingalife
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The forgiveness business can

The forgiveness business can get totally over-thought. Personally, I'm good if I arrive at acceptance of what is, let go of resentment, and get on with my life. And these days I allow myself to eliminate toxic people from my life that in the past I gave way too much rope. That is, people who're toxic *for me.* Doesn't mean they're necessarily toxic in general but that I recognize our interaction is more negative than positive *for me.* I can release the anger and resentment for them if I make changes, but if I persist in relationships with them while their behavior doesn't change, that's on me. I'm responsible if I continue in unsatisfying, unproductive relationships that keep me angry and resentful.

Acceptance. When I am disturbed, it is because a person, place, thing, or situation is unacceptable to me. I find no serenity until I accept my life as being exactly the way it is meant to be. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.  Acknowledge the problem, but live the solution!

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Ya GaL, I think what you say

Ya GaL, I think what you say makes so much sense to me. I'm really struggling with my mother and her volatile voicemails these days. There has never been a time when she's apologized and I'm getting tired of her drama. I could write a book on it! You're right about it being on me if I persist. The thing is its my mother ugh. I need to just accept for survivals sake

Gettingalife
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Yes, our primary

Yes, our primary relationships are definitely the most challenging. Like I told you, my father was the difficult one who created all sorts of tension and conflict in our home while I was growing up. I stayed after that relationship thinking I could fix it or manage it until the last 4 years of his life. During one of his numerous hospital stays in his last few years, he was abusive with me for the last time, and I walked out knowing without question or hesitation that I was done. A switch flipped, and I was no longer willing to be treated that way by anyone, even and especially by my father. I did see him in his last months when he was too frail and incoherent for his hateful antics, and I'm still sad for him, for what he could never overcome within himself. I love him still, feel no animosity towards him or our past, and I'm comfortable with the knowledge I did all I could do.

Acceptance. When I am disturbed, it is because a person, place, thing, or situation is unacceptable to me. I find no serenity until I accept my life as being exactly the way it is meant to be. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.  Acknowledge the problem, but live the solution!

LearningSerenity
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This is a topic that's

This is a topic that's rather personal for me also. Most of my friendships are still in the same circles that my former mentor moves around in, so the only way to completely eliminate contact with him would be to completely change my friends. Since he's highly respected in by all of my friends, maybe that's what I'll need to do in the end, but I kind of hope not. I'm already dealing with about as much as I can handle right now, and I really don't want to try and replace all of my friendships on top of it...

When you're going through hell...keep going. --Winston Churchill There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still --Corrie ten Boom

operetta
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Another program I was in

Another program I was in taught me to ask: what do I get out of holding on to this resentment? What does it do for me?

"She generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it)." --Lewis Carroll

Kate1song
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LearningSerenity
LearningSerenity wrote:

This is a topic that's rather personal for me also. Most of my friendships are still in the same circles that my former mentor moves around in, so the only way to completely eliminate contact with him would be to completely change my friends. Since he's highly respected in by all of my friends, maybe that's what I'll need to do in the end, but I kind of hope not. I'm already dealing with about as much as I can handle right now, and I really don't want to try and replace all of my friendships on top of it...

I have a working relationship with someone who hates me. I made some professional choices a few years ago that he did not agree with and was very upset that I went ahead against his wishes and he basically swore to detest me forever. I have to work with him on a daily basis. I love my job and most of my co-workers so I have no interest in leaving.

I've accepted the fact that he doesn't like me. I am polite to him, and give him his space. It works out ok because he avoids me. I just do my job the best I can, try to be the be a good colleague, and I let go of the rest. I can't fix him or overcome his resentment.. so.. oh well.

If you can't get free of the mentor though.. and are stuck being around him all the time, I'd prolly say it might be a good idea to find some outside relationships, just to give yourself a break. I know that's often easier said than done though..

Kim
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The biggest resentments I've

The biggest resentments I've had to deal with was with my ex-mother-in-law. While I was away she took my child and treated him as her own. She even denied my motherhood to him. She told him I was not his mom and that she was. Also she prevented me from seeing my son for a year and a half. I took her to court to get him back. Despite all of this I have had to develop a relationship for the sake of my son. Although I do not like this woman she is important to him. To deny him of that is wrong. So I've worked really hard on building a relationship with her. If I didn't have any links with this woman I would not have continued a relationship. However, sometimes that is not possible in life. I've prayed about her alot, and I've come to see her as a sick individual. She has struggled with many things that I have and I have to accept her as she is. Today we are able to meet together to exchange parenting time. We are able to communicate together and discuss vacation time. We are even meeting for my sons birthday in August. The program has given me many gifts, and I am really greatful for it.

Game free since February 4 2013

Patria
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Kim and Kate, those are

Kim and Kate, those are beautiful examples of how to handle those situations. Thank you both for sharing. Hugs!

mommy3
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Gettingalife
Gettingalife wrote:

Personally, I'm good if I arrive at acceptance of what is, let go of resentment, and get on with my life. And these days I allow myself to eliminate toxic people from my life that in the past I gave way too much rope. That is, people who're toxic *for me.* Doesn't mean they're necessarily toxic in general but that I recognize our interaction is more negative than positive *for me.* I can release the anger and resentment for them if I make changes, but if I persist in relationships with them while their behavior doesn't change, that's on me. I'm responsible if I continue in unsatisfying, unproductive relationships that keep me angry and resentful.

Gettingalife,

This is SO true for me. My mom was verbally and emotionally abusive to me for as long as I can remember. While I had little respect for her, I stuck by her and was a dutiful daughter until the day she died, even taking her through hospice three years ago. I don't regret that. God granted me the grace and peace to do this. It was a long, painful road to travel. Soon after my mom died, though, my sisters strangely filled the void and became manipulative and verbally abusive, soon reaching an unbearable point during a meeting regarding my mom's jewelry and other matters (long story). When my one sister raised her arm to me with a closed fist, I left that room knowing that I was "done." I decided that I had endured similar abuse from my mom for 50 years and I wasn't going to take it anymore. My dad also had a part in this and won't address his involvement to this day. Because of his denial, he has lost a faithful and loving daughter and two lovely grandchildren.

I have accepted that my sisters and father (I still talk w/ my brother) are not healthy and are toxic to me, my husband and children. They are responsible for their actions, and the consequences, and I need not feel guilty for "walking away" from them. I need not feel like I caused their inappropriate behavior.

When bad thoughts of them come to mind, I verbally express forgiveness to them in prayer knowing that they hurt me out of a deep hurt within themselves. I also pray that hurt be replaced with peace and happiness. I have to say, I feel much better not havig to interact with them, but it's still hard for me to get past the resentment of being treated badly.

I'm try to remind myself to focus on loving and serving the family, friends and neighbors who show me love and whom I love dearly. Family for me is not shared DNA, but shared love.

Shortly after posting the above I received this link from a friend (she had not seen this post). For those of you who do not feel resentment toward your mothers, this may help:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlKnibD0OAs&feature=player_embedded

I just have to add that I don't agree with Dr. Laura when she suggests that we need to earn forgiveness. One can ask for it, but I don't think they need to earn it. I can forgive those who have hurt me w/out them making any effort which allows me to let go of my resentment. However, I do think that people who want to be close to me need to earn (to a degree) the relationship. Relationships don't form on their own.

Gettingalife
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Yes, it's incredibly

Yes, it's incredibly difficult for me to change *my* thoughts, feelings and behaviors in longstanding relationships where interaction is so engrained. Life's too short to spend so much of my energy finding workable solutions with people who refuse to even acknowledge their portion of the challenge. Someone told me recently that "20% of the people in my life will love me no matter what, 20% will dislike me no matter what and 60% will never care one way or the other. So put the majority of my efforts toward that first group." Farther along I go, the more sense that makes to me.

Also, in reference to Operetta's post, I agree that some people get some sort of twisted satisfaction in holding on to resentments, in remaining in an angry state. That sort of choice is tragic primarily for the one who makes it. Definitely believe they're drinking their own poison.

Acceptance. When I am disturbed, it is because a person, place, thing, or situation is unacceptable to me. I find no serenity until I accept my life as being exactly the way it is meant to be. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.  Acknowledge the problem, but live the solution!

Patria
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Gal, I love your example too

Gal, I love your example too about your father. Wise decision, I think.

Gal wrote:

Someone told me recently that "20% of the people in my life will love me no matter what, 20% will dislike me no matter what and 60% will never care one way or the other. So put the majority of my efforts toward that first group."

I like that.

Patria
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As an addict, whether

As an addict, whether addicted to alcohol (not using), gaming (not playing), or people (learning to detach), I can't afford to allow resentment into my life.

That doesn't mean I don't get hurt, fearful, or upset. I do. What it means is I have to learn to take care of the original hurt, fear or anger, and not be resentful later on about it. In AA they taught me that to "resent" is to "feel again". If my mother hurt me--which she did often as I was growing up--I have to learn as an adult to deal with it.

AA helped me respond to my mother in a healthier emotional way. I limited my conversations to her to once a week, to one half hour, and to visits once a month. We agreed on what holidays to visit, and I wouldn't be "coerced" into doing more, because with mom, she wanted control over me every minute. For my own health--and her's too--I learned not to allow her to manipulate me; to do what was right and stick to it.

I learned to do that with my sister; it isn't easy limiting her as she just can't seem to remember our agreements--ever!--but I stick to it.

Somebody irritated me just recently; a friend. So I did an inventory on it. I listed what happened, what he did, and how it bothered me. Then I listed what my part was in it; meaning, did I in anyway exacerbate the situation.

I didn't feel I had any part in it in terms of response to him. But I had a lot of feelings about what was said, so I listed every one of those feelings. By the time I was done with the list of my own feelings, I realized that 1. he is who he is, 2. I can't change him, 3. HP is in charge, let HP do the job, 4. pray for him.

If I have more feelings about it after that exercise, then I do it again. It really helps.

As an addict I can't afford to be in misery and anger; because if I allow it for longer than a few minutes, I want to drink or game again, and I'm not willing to repeat any of that addictive behavior.

mommy3
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GAL, I couldn't have said it

GAL, I couldn't have said it better! It's like you've read my mind for the past several years each year inching closer to the realizations you lay out. It's been a good thing, indeed. And I do totally get what you said about your father, and beleive you did the right thing. That's sort of what I've had to do w/ my sisters (and father to a degree; not so abusive; just indifferent is he)

Operetta, true, I always remind myself that the resentment is only hurting me and the ones I have a good relationship with (my kids, husband), not the ones who have wronged me.

Patria, everything you said was wonderful. I love what you learned at AA. My addiction is eating, and I hate it. I can't stop eating for good, so I need to be mindful of what I eat and how much. I come from an ethnic (Italian) family and married into an Armenian family. Food is the "answer to everything." Also, these toxic encounters can cause me not to function well until I work through it. That effects my family and I don't want them to be affected by a depressed and anxious mother (like I had to). I'm afraid if I started gaming or any drug, I would become addicted, so I stay away. As it is, fb, Olga and fun internet articles are quite enough to manage! But I love coming here and it is a healthy thing for me :-).

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What GaL said.  Each time

What GaL said. Each time she said it.

I agree that it's important to distinguish between the kind of forgiveness that is really just letting go of resentment and moving on, and the kind that is designed to heal the relationship. What I've learned is that if someone is toxic for me (e.g. abusive, manipulative, decietful, destructive, contemptuous, etc.--and I'm talking about having all of those lovelies rolled up in one package!), and if they will not acknowledge *their* part in the situation, then there is not a relationship to heal. It's not a friendship or anything else supportive--it's a situation where I'm a target, and if I keep putting myself in it, I will soon be a target with holes in it. In this situation, my job is to let go of the resentment, for my own sake only, and move on. And "on" means "away." Run, don't walk.

The kind of forgiveness that involves healing a relationship requires repentance(according to the tradition of my upbringing, Christianity). Then there can, if the grace for it is found, be both full forgiveness and healing of the relationship. Because there can be a relationship, in that case.

I would never ask someone to forgive a parent or partner who had (for example) physically or sexually abused them. To me, that's just plain wrong on my part. What I would say is that as long as the resentment has a deep hold on you, the evil they did to you is still doing damage. The only way to stop the damage that is being done to *you* by the resentment, is to release it.

The last thing I'll say about this is that I don't think I have had the capacity to "release" my biggest resentments. I need outside help. I have needed care, compassion, and healing. I need to pray for the willingness to release it, pray for the courage to release it, and pray for those who hurt me. Then I may, in time, receive the healing and the grace necessary to move on.

Just my reflections from my experience with this very difficult topic so far.

I am a recovering computer game and gambling addict. My recovery birthday: On May 6, 2012 I quit games and began working a program of recovery through OLGA No computer games or slot games for me since December 12, 2012. No solitaire games with real cards since June 2013.

Patria
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I think the original point

I think the original point of the daily read was that as addicts we can't live with resentments, whether these resentments were from people we want to have a better relationship with or people we never want to see again.

I've chosen to keep some people in my life, and drop others. But whatever I choose to do with any of them, I have to get rid of all resentments.

dan1
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Thanks for bringing me back

Thanks for bringing me back to the point. I can attest that holding resentments

destroys everything. We need to find a way to be rid of them.

I am a recovering computer game and gambling addict. My recovery birthday: On May 6, 2012 I quit games and began working a program of recovery through OLGA No computer games or slot games for me since December 12, 2012. No solitaire games with real cards since June 2013.

mommy3
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dan1, Great contribution!

dan1, Great contribution! It's taken me a long time to look down and see all the holes before actually doing something about it.

Patria, great topic! thanks.

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