From an NA pamphlet by the same name, edited by changing NA to OLGA...
"Before coming to [OLGA], most of us spent our entire lives in self-rejection. We hated ourselves and tried every way we could to become someone different. We wanted to be anyone but who we were. Unable to accept ourselves, we tried to gain the acceptance of others. We wanted other people to give us the love and acceptance we could not give ourselves, but our love and friendship were always conditional. We would do anything for anyone just to gain their acceptance and approval, and then would resent those who wouldn't respond the way we wanted them to.
"Because we could not accept ourselves, we expected to be rejected by others. We would not allow anyone to get close to us for fear that if they really knew us, they would also hate us. To protect ourselves from vulnerability, we would reject others before they had a chance to reject us."
When you're going through hell...keep going. --Winston Churchill There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still --Corrie ten Boom
This one definitely got me. Self-rejection has been the story of my life for as long as I can remember, and a whole bunch of the symptoms it talks about here have been in my life for as long as I can remember as well. Wanting to be anyone other than who I was? Check. Wanting others to accept me because I couldn't accept myself? Check. Wanting people to give me the love and acceptance that I was incapable of giving to myself? Check. Resenting people for not responding to me the way I wanted them to? Check. Expecting to be rejected by others? Check. Being afraid that if people really got to know me, they'd hate me just as much as I hated myself? Check.
It was an ugly, ugly way to live, and I'm glad that I'm slowly learning to accept myself. I'm not there yet, but I've made some big strides in the last while, and part of that is definitely due to the love and support that all of you give, so thanks for your help...I'm a better man because of it. Hugs!
When you're going through hell...keep going. --Winston Churchill There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still --Corrie ten Boom
I relate to this as well. Add the layer of a mother who constantly said manipulating put downs to me and that's a recipe for a very low self esteem. I never did anything right, or so I thought, but I'm finding out that really isn't true. I did plenty right but never was given the tools to believe it. Unfortunately I picked a husband who does similar put downs but I'm working on trying to get him to see what he's doing when he says these things. He is finally starting to see it thank god.
When I was gaming, at first it felt like it helped me feel good about myself, plus I was able to hide from all my problems in my real life. But as time wore on, the same old self esteem issues reared their ugly heads even inside the game, and with all the other problems that come along with gaming like losing friends in RL, not getting anything done around the house, losing interest in anything other than the game, etc. That old adage "you can run but you cannot hide" is so true.
Time for me to grow up and face my problems and learn how to deal with them and even once in awhile pat myself on the back for a tasty meal I made, a piano piece played from the heart, a photo well taken or whatever.
Thanks for posting this LS!
Thanks for sharing this LS and the post form Exavatar could have been written by me (well almost)
I'm time and time blown away by the fact that many of you have very similar issues as me.
It's a true blessing to have found Olga and all of you.
If plan A didn't work ...the alphabet has 25 more letters ----> do NOT give up
Luke 18:27 - And he said, The things which are impossible with men are possible with God. (surrender)
Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when we add the burdens of yesterday and tomorrow that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives people mad - it is the remorse of bitterness for something that happened yesterday, and the dread of what tomorrow may bring.
Let us, therefore, live one day at a time! A day without giving in to our addiction is A GOOD DAY !!!
Same here LS :/. Self-acceptance was not a major issue for me... until I found a group of people who 'put under test' my confidence to say the least, in time it ended up undermining my self-esteem and eventually I started to show some signs of self-hatred for example self-sabotage (which is something I still do), self-harm and so on.
I am glad for having found this community because I've met people here that had listened to me It's good to see others recovering because it is possible for me too :). I am not the kind of person who trust easily in people and I am building walls to don't let people get to know me all the time (I feel like I can escape, in control). This has been one of my biggest strugles here and I just recently started to make changes to be more open.
"Take what you need and leave the rest." I got nothing but moments to live.
LS, that could have been written by me; adding the mommie dearest Exavatar and I have had to put up with in childhood.
One of the great awarenesses I've had since using a 12 step program, was finding out how much I used many tactics to survive childhood, which now don't work in adulthood.
And some of those tactics are hard to give up.
Putting myself down is still a problem for me, so that when someone legitimately criticizes my behavior I get very defensive.
Not as defensive as I used to; there has been great progress here. And I'm not as angry with self as I used to be. I can now see some of the good in me. It's all a balance, and sometimes I go off balance. But it's better than before.
It took us a few years to get in this place of discomfort, so it will take time to get out of it. But it's so worth it.