I feel massively guilty just being on this website, but i am becoming more and more concerned about my husbands video gaming habits. He is a going to school full time, as was i up till a few months ago, but its online. I had to drop oit of school because i am having health problems right now and wasnt able to keep up with the workload. My health problems are causing chronic abdominal pain and my husband has been amazing about taking me to doctors appointments and being supportive through all the tests. We have been married for a year and together for 3 years before that and we have always had a near perfect relationship. Except for two things his cleaning habits, and his video gaming habit. Hes always been really into gaming but lately its getting worse and worse. I dont know if its an attempt to deal with a very stressful situation, to deal with his extremely difficult past, or to connect with his friends back where we we used to live. Because of my health we have become mostly housebound. Which sucks, i understand that. But my husband gets up every morning and immediately gets on the game, he plays all day, only taking breaks to eat, use the restroom, and do things for me if i manage to guilt him into it. He isnt focusing on school at all and a lot of his school workload is either getting ignored, or dumped on me. In addition to that hes messy so im spending all my time cleaning up after my husband, myself, and our pets. Which I honestly would not mind if he was working on school or at least doing something constructive. Aside from playing the sims sometimes and a six month or so period where i tried out Wow for him i am not a gamer. So its hard to know if he actually has an addiction. Or if i dont get it because its just not my thing. Our marriage is starting to suffer. I feel alone, neglected, used, taken advantage of, and ditched. And i hate it. And then i feel guilty for feeling that way. And the stress is just making my health issues worse, my doctors currently have no idea whats wrong with me and im in pain 24/7. Im losing my patience more and screaming and yelling at him more often and are fighting more often all over his video gaming. We dont really have any friends in the state where were currently living, which is hard, but we are currently in the process of working towards moving back home. Since its a temporary situation im having trouble finding it in me to sympathize with his compulsive need to be gaming and talking to either his friends back home or his online friends all day long. He spends more time with them than he does with me. We spend four hours a day together on a fantastic day, and on a bad day i have to just sit in whatever room hes gaming in so i can spend some time with him. And in the spending time with me category im including the things i need him to help me with. Ive begged and pleaded with him cut down on his gaming time, alter his priorities, find some other hobbies, get some exercise and he makes me all kind of promises. But then he either just ignores them or makes changes for a few weeks before going right back to his old behavior. His grades are suffering, our marriage is suffering, and i feel like i constantly have to make excuses for him, not only to others, but to myself as well. I dont know what to do. This man is the love of my life, but at the same time i dont know that i can keep doing this forever. Forcing myself to snatch up any little scrap of attention he throws my way, taking on all of the responsibility, covering for him, fighting and begging and pleading all the time. Im only 22 and these health problems are really scary and im getting sick and tired of spending all day every day taking care of him, and our pets, and the house. He hasnt done so much as a load of dishes in months. He also has worsening carpal tunnel in both his wrists and hes going to school to program and repair computers, despite this he wont cut back on his x box one time. I guess im looking for some thoughts and advice on my situation. I may just be over reacting. Not being a gamer, and not having gamer friends its so hard to tell.
Hi littlebitlost
First of all - huge congratulations for joining and posting here. I was once in your position and I know how hard it is to take that step.
Please don't ever feel guilty about using this site and posting here. We understand, I mean completely understand, exactly what you are seeing, experiencing and feeling. Your story, as with all of ours, is written here over and over again. When any of us 'significant others' take those first steps in writing about our situation here it feels like a huge betrayal towards our gamers. It's not. It's you taking those first vital steps in understanding what you are going through. My advice at this stage is to read the 'sticky posts' in the family section written by Melissa Evermore. They are brilliant for calming your mind and reassuring you about what you are experiencing. Take the information in slowly, let your understanding build and keep coming back posting here whenever you need to. Ask questions or have a huge rant, all of the wonderful people here understand and are ready to help. Their collective wisdom is astonishing, you are in the company of some amazing people. Just like you.
Look after yourself. If your health is poor you must make sure that your self care is the up most priority.
My ex partner is an addicted gamer. After a year that started pretty much the way you have written above we just just separated. Without the support, wisdom and compassion that exists on the site I would have lost my mind ten times over. As it is I am emotionally bruised and exhausted. Some significant others here are still married and living with their addicts, others are in the same situation as me. Wherever your journey with your gamer takes you, someone here will have experienced the same.
Big hugs. You are amongst friends. x
Welcome littlebitlost
Here is a thread from Melissa (mentioned above by Wildstar widow) as the sticky post is not there anymore.
http://www.olganon.org/?q=node/41764
As you are now a member you can also post in the private members area if that suits you.
Hope this helps xx
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here
Hey! I'm really sorry about what you are going through. So many of us here can relate to a lot of things you are feeling. I too am very new to this site, (as of a week ago) and I felt weird posting my story on a forum of strangers. I felt like I had noone to turn to. Not like I don't have family or friends to talk to but I don't have anyone close to me who understands because nobody is in a similar situation. I have found another forum that I asked to join and I really think you could benefit from it. :) it's a small group of about 15 people but all of them have been so nice and extremely supportive for me. I think I'm the youngest of the group (21), not that age matters but it would be great to have you. I think there is a lot you can benefit from talking to the other members or at least venting about what you are going through. Hope this helps! If you're interested talk to a woman named Robyn. You can look for her on Olganon as princess and send her a message or email her at princess48137@gmail.com. hope you find the love and support you're looking for here! :) take it one day at a time and you can message me if you need to talk to someone more.
Sara
There is no need for guilt. Guilt implies you are doing something wrong. There is nothing wrong in seeking help for yourself. It sounds as if your are overwhelmed and frustrated in your current situation. As most people would be.
In traditional marriages, two people work together and maintain a home. There is a sharing of chores; there is a decision as to whom will earn the money, clean the home, manage pets/kids,laundry, etc. When one person decides they simply are not going to do their part, typically the other partner can be patient. Is the non participant ill? Depressed? Simply temporarily lazy (hey, we all have those moments.) But when days become weeks, and when the gaming persists, the burdened partner has a right to be concerned.
Many things can be healthy in moderation. Gaming is one of them. But if it is effecting your marriage in a negative way, if he is ignoring chores, neglecting the marriage...it is dysfunctional behavior at the very least. Unfortunately, you can't do a thing about changing him.
You can work on your behaviors.You can work on self care and being well. You can learn to communicate with him in a calm way, and learn how to respond in a rational way when he chooses to game even though you have told him it hurts you deeply when he games all day and ignores you, when all he says in response is something like "k".
I hope you stick around. I have a sneaking suspicion that stress isn't so great for that abdominal pain of yours. In fact, it will probably make your symptoms 10 times worse. Don't let his behavior hold that much power over you. ((hugs))