Wow...in the incedulous sense

Welcome rita. I have started a new thread with your post. Sometimes it gets confusing to follow more than one story in a thread. Be sure to read the post at the top of this forum that deals with minor children, then read some of the other posts here from parents. How to break the addiction is different with every kid. It depends on how much of a mental health issue there is. For some kids, it can be dangerous to cut them off from the game completely without guidance from a mental health professional. You know your own son better than we do. whatever you do, it's best to get started now, while you still have legal control over him. Once he is an adult, it gets harder.

Keep reading. You are definitely not alone.

Personally, I think all to often gaming is encouraged by parents with that rational..."He could be doing worse things". Heck, I even used that rationale on myself when I was gaming too much. "I could be doing worse things." No offense, but it's a cop out. Gaming can be much worse that many of those other 'bad' things, just read the gamers section. Read some of the stories about what people have lost because of gaming.

If you son needs a sanctuary, I think the better question is "Why does he need this sanctuary?" If he needs this kind of sanctuary at 16, with no bills, no mortgage, no full time job, no kids, no wife, how is he going to cope later on? Now, I say that knowing there may truly be an underlying stressor going on at his school and in his life. Bullys, teachers, etc. But the point is to find the reason he says he needs this sanctuary. Otherwise, in my opinion, you are doing him a HUGE disservice by encouraging escapism versus resolution.

I do agree that a cold turkey cut for him is not likely the solution. You need to get him talking about what is going on in his life. He needs to learn how to address stress in a constructive way.

Just like with the other 'bad' things he could be doing, you need to talk to him and teach him responsible behavior with respect to those bad things. Drinking isn't bad, if done in moderation. Being wild isn't bad, if done in moderation. Gaming isn't bad, if done in moderation. But you have to have control of them and have to be responsible with respect to them. Think of how much you probably learned when you were 16 and doing some of the reckless things. I know I learned a lot.

I was listening to NPR this morning and they had a good clip about how this age period is vital to the development of attention span and the development of passion (for learning, athletics, painting, whatever will drive your child). They talked about how alcohol abuse can severely impair the brains development in those areas. Makes me wonder if gaming would have just as detrimental an effect in the long term as drinking would have.

Delirium wrote:

Personally, I think all to often gaming is encouraged by parents with that rational..."He could be doing worse things". Heck, I even used that rationale on myself when I was gaming too much. "I could be doing worse things." No offense, but it's a cop out.

At best it's a cop out, and at worse, it's a way to control a kid...might as well give him heroine injections.

Well, yes and no. I don't think, based on our experience, that it was so much a question of wanting to sedate or pacify our son. It's a little bit more complicated than that.

First... understand that from the parents' point of view, gaming is extraordinarily common among children and teenagers, and it's hard, especially at first, to feel that there's anything more problematic about it than other time-wasting activities such as watching TV. Gaming feels so "normal." Whereas, of course, giving a child drugs or alcohol would be something that 99.99% of parents would know is wrong. It turned out that my son already had the propensity to become a gaming addict, but I didn't, and couldn't, have known that at the time. The fact is that most people who game don't become addicts, only an unlucky minority, and there's really no way to know that at the go-in.

Second... NOW I understand that rationalizing my son's playing by saying, "at least he isn't drinking/drugging/getting some poor girl pregnant" isn't doing him any favors. But, as a parent, believe me you hear this from other people ALL the time. "What are you so worried about? At least you know where he is... at least he's not being brought home by the police... at least he's not passed out in the living room." I agree that it's not right to rationalize the excessive playing this way. But, it's also very normal to do so. Most people do. That doesn't make it right, but it does make it more understandable.

Many - most - probably all parents of addicted gamers come into this thing bearing an extremely heavy load of guilt. As I have said here before, gaming is catnip to parents. For one thing, it keeps the kid quiet and absorbed, and for most of us with marshmellows stuck to the ceiling, carpets that will never ever be the same again, and broken bicycle parts all over thd driveway, there is some pleasure in having a child do something that for once won't create a mess or a fight. Then, too, for the kid who really really wants to game, it's a way to create instant discipline. They want to do it so badly that they'll comply with requests or chores.

Again, does all that mean that we parents intentionally created raging addicts? No, no more than an addicted gamer set out in the beginning and said, well, I think I'll lose my job and my spouse and my self-respect and gain 50 pounds and wind up at the bottom. What it does mean, on both "sides," is that there were reasons at the time. Not good reasons... in fact probably they were reasons that in retrospect look pretty silly now given the consequences, but it all made sense back then.

We need understanding and compassion on both sides, we really do.

Jane in CT

I agree with you Jane. But if he says he needs it as a 'sanctuary' as he stated, then the question has to be asked...sanctuary from what? I would be concerned there is another problem and that gaming is not helping him develop proper and reliable coping methods for life. Hiding from problems in a video game is doing no one any favors. That was really my point.

My point about the rationalization by parents is that it is the same rationalization that is used by addicts many times, and spouses of addicts.

I have no problems with kids and the occasional gaming. I am not a 'no video games' type of parent. I think everything in life has a place and can be useful. There have been times that I wish my 13 month old had an interest in the TV so that I could get stuff cleaned up around the house, start dinner before my wife gets home instead of after. But he doesn't and I personally don't want to force it upon him. My wife just has to eat a little later after she gets home. But it also allows me some time with him by myself after I get home from work. Boy time.

Jane is spot on. I bought my first video game system back in 1980 at the age of 26. Every few years a new and improved system would come out and I would purchase it. It was fun, it was a game, it was a toy. My son was born in 1989 and by the age of 5 was enjoying playing Sega Genesis and then Nintendo 64 and then when the family purchased it's first computer in the mid-90's, computer games were also fun and again, considered a more advanced "toy". How could any parent know that something that had been fun and not a problem for a decade could develop into an addiction? How could we even fathom that the innocence of "Sonic the Hedgehog" would turn into the mind addictive "World of Warcraft"? I would think most parents, when they first started to deal with the addiction and the changes in their child, did in fact say to themselves "at least he isn't doing drugs or getting into trouble". We are the frist generation of parents to come face-to-face with this issue and learning as we deal with our children.

The bottom line is that there are far worse things I could be dealing with...that's not a copout, its a fact. That doesn't mean I could let the situation continue, I knew I had to intervene, take a stand, and help my son deal with his gaming addiction. What it does mean is that gaming addiction is not something we as parents were taught about nor were our children as we all were with alchohol and drugs. So its something that we as parents don't realize the seriousness of the issue as soon as we would with other addictions/problems.

Rita, its a normal "first" response to say your son could be doing worse things. Yes, in fact he could. But that doesn't minimize the seriousness of a gaming addiction. It can and has ruined many lives. Realize that now, earlier than I did with my son. Read the many posts on here, they have helped me immensely. As Gamersmom said, there is no one answer, but there are answers, many of which you will find in other parents stories. Coming here is the first step and now be sure to follow through and take the next ones.

THanks, Jane for the plea for us to be understanding and compassionate. And to forgive ourselves. I am upset that I did the same thing to my kids. I thought exactly the same thing about their gaming, that at least they weren't out getting drunk and laid in a world of alcoholism, loose morals and AIDS...and yet, I now see them both struggling with boundaries about the computer. One surfs too much at times..and one zones on the strategy games at times.

Unlike me, they both have a measure of control over their gaming and neither chose to immerse themselves in an endless MMORPG. When I began doing so, they both said, "NO, not World of Warcrack!" And I laughed at the time and didn't get it.

Hi,

Complicated topic.

There are so many potential pitfalls facing our children. Smoking, drinking, drugs, gaming, unprotected sex, etc are all potential landmines in the journey to adulthood. And not every child who plays games turns into an addict (like me).

I need to be aware of the potential problems, maintain an honest and open relationship with my children, set a good example, trust their judgement but watch them like a hawk, know their friends and encourage them into sports, arts, hobbies, scouts, and all the rest.

Eventually my children will make their own choices and I wont be around to catch them when they fall. I wish I knew the right formula for bringing them to adulthood.

Probably its a combination of many things - but most of all luck!

I am sure they will break my heart, but equally sure they will bring me joy. But I dont think there is a right or magic way to bring them up. Just do our best...

-dark

Dear, dear! Don't get me started on cannabis....it is a very huge problem and as a nurse I can tell you that you're minimizing the dangers of marijuana. Many of today's young adults will die and are dieing because of the damage marijuana has done to them. I have heard lungs that sound like death bed COPD lungs, and on entire neighborhoods of kids in their teens and early 20s who all smoked the same tainted pot. Even untainted pot is bout 20 times more toxic than tobacco. and what benefit does altering one's perception do anyway? Just irreparable damage to the soul itself.

Anyway, I'm all for facing life on lifes terms...addiction free and vice free. I'm all for nurturing healthy neurons. So let's do that. We can support each other.

Thanks Laurel,

I did not intend to begin a discussion here about different potentially addictive substances. This is not the place. I therefore edited my post.

- dark

I totally agree with Jane. As parents , we KNEW we needed to watch out for drug addiction, alcohol addiction, tobacco addiction, etc. We even had the aid of our family, friends, and society in general (to some extent) in our quest to keep our kids on a healthy path. There is still a large segment of society that feels that gaming is a healthy outlet for any kid and parents who want to control their kids' gaming are somehow depriving them. We have lots of parents who come here and tell us that their spouse, their brothers and sisters, their parents, and/or their friends all tell them to just let the kid enjoy his game, with no understanding of what the family is going through.

In addition, regarding the concept of sanctuary, it seems to me (without meaning to sound unfeeling) that kids these days are encouraged to feel the need for "sanctuary" from things that my generation was raised to learn were a part of life that we needed to deal with. I know that sounds harsh to some, but I really wonder if we are doing our kids any favors by protecting them from so many things that are difficult to deal with, instead of helping them develop the skills they need to get past difficulties and learn from them. Again, some may not agree, but that is how I look at it.

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mibrze wrote:

The bottom line is that there are far worse things I could be dealing with...that's not a copout, its a fact.

Except for how many of us, if we weren't gaming, would actually turn to destructive drinking, drugs, or other behaviors?

Maybe I'm alone in saying that I can honestly say I would not have turn to those other 'bad things'. I was brought up to avoid those and believe strongly against them. I didn't do those behaviors before I was gaming, I didn't do them after I was gaming, and I doubt I would have done it in the middle had gaming been removed. What I did give up was more constructive pursuits with my time that would have been just as good a sanctuary but with the added benefit of actually having benefits in real life. I am about 2 years behind where I want to be in life in terms of my house restoration, career goals, etc...

Maybe the word 'copout' is the wrong term. Maybe justification is better. We gamers justify our addiction many times with the idea of "I could be doing something worse" even though we really wouldn't. Gamer spouses have justified their gamers addiction with "He/She could be out doing worse things." even though they likely wouldn't.

I suggest you read through the gamers section and read how many of us justified our addictions. Read the spouses forum. You'll see that justification come up time and time again.

Sanctuaries are good and needed at all levels of life. Home is a sanctuary. Family can be a sanctuary. Sports can be a sanctuary. But excessive gaming is like excessive drinking, drugs, etc...it may be a sanctuary to escape problems, but it is not a healthy place to be.

I am sorry if my view is harsh. I've recently learned that parenting is not easy and will challenge you every day.

I feel moved to say the following... on this thread and also as to some others that I've read here lately.

We do not serve either ourselves well, or others on this board, if we appear to be, or are, passing judgments on people and their parenting. I know, and I've crossed it myself, that there can be a fine line between offering our "experience, strength and hope" and telling others what to do, or telling other parents or "anons" that their values and priorities led to their current circumstances.

The fact is, there are many successful approaches to parenting. People do what works for them, based on the information they have available at the time, and most of us, bumbling as we are, at least mean well. Some families have an authoritarian style, some egalitarian. Some families are strongly religious, some not at all. Some families are at the start of their "parenting career;" others are grizzled veterans. Some families are dealing with multiple other crises and need to triage... some families are at a calmer place. What this means, though, is that we can't and really shouldn't start comparing or recommending parenting styles to each other. I think we should confine ourselves to the specific question of how to deal with a gaming-addicted child.

A similar question came up about six months ago; since so many times people here are trying to regain their health, it was asked whether we should start up a forum or at least a thread for diet- and exercise-related topics. I was very much against that, primarily because there are so many differences of opinion on these issues, and I also did not think it would contribute to our mission to spend time debating them.

For my part, and this is really just my opinon, but I also find "kids today" type comments sort of... unhelpful. I think it can make the younger people coming to this forum feel alienated and put off, and also, frankly, what we're dealing with IS kids today, so there's really no point in comparing, anyway. I'm sure our parents were plenty flummoxed by the circumstances they faced in our generation - which were also unprecedented, at least in terms of drugs, sex and rock and roll - so we need to remember we were hardly angels either! Or at least I sure wasn't!

In fellowship,

Jane

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