Hi everyone.
I am not sure if this is helping me. I am glad to be able to vent, for that I like this safe place, however I feel very powerless and I feel that when I hear about all the other spouses that are going through what I am going through, I get scared and think it is hopeless almost.
I have only God to rely on about this but I feel sad too because there are other Christians in here too.
I am sad that not only is he gaming he visited a pornographic game on Friday and that makes me just not be able to trust him at all. What else is he doing? He has not been known to be trustworthy, faithful or kind. And I keep hearing his words in my ears that I believed in March that he was with God now and he would be a good husband. Once it turns out that I didn't have cancer he went back to being a terrible husband. So yeah I don't have cancer but I don't have my husband either.
And I am so tired right now and fighting the tears at work... and worried.
The thing is when I saw this happening all over again I tried to put a stop to it immediately. You know why? Because I know how this progresses. He can go weeks and months without talking to me and lets it all fall around him and blames me for everything and I get sad, depressed and upset. So when I saw it happening I tried to stop it 8 times to no avail. I know what it is like to be ignored for almost a year, I know what it is like to be blamed for everything and live in his lopsided upside down crazy world.
And I know all about his justifications, sometimes he does stuff to cause a problem so he can go to his fantasy world, or plays good daddy for awhile so he feels he won the reward of fantasy world or just anything I do like oh getting mad because he is wasting his life and mine and well he has justification to go escape into his reality.
I need courage I guess.
There is hope. I have learned that God places hardships in our lives to help us grow. I pushed my wife to divorce filing and crying in her room all the time. But God redeems. A decade later, my wife are in love, we adore each other, we are marriage mentors for the church, she is leading women at our church, and we are on the planning committee for the church's couples retreat. The point is there is hope and to embrace this hardship to ask how God is using this to help you and your husband grow. The Lord is able to redeem the most broken souls, including me. Thus, there is always hope if you have faith.
Andrew P. Doan, MPH, MD, PhD
My Gaming Addiction Videos on YouTube: YouTube.com/@DrAndrewDoan
*The views expressed are of the author's and do not necessarily reflect the official policy of the U.S. Navy, DHA or Department of Defense.
Your story it heatbreaking. It seems there are no winners in this situation. What are you looking for the courage to do Twiggy? Stay in the relationship? Or the courage to detach?
I am just wondering....
Hugs.
We are so glad you are here in OLGA and are able to post your feelings. This is a safe place and we care.
I was that person like your husband who thought nothing but gaming. Now that I am game-gree (only 40 days though, no expert) I can see the other side very clearly. I was so wrapped up in the fantasy world that the real world not only DID NOT exist, the real world was an irritant.
Sometimes the spouses have to make tough decisions--like in Mudphud's case--to get our attention. My spouse didn't leave but he made it miserable for me to get online. At first that didn't work with me because I just thought he was a tired cranky old man. But as time went on, it got too painful for me to experience his disgust, so I tried to moderate game-playing. He was happy with me moderating, but since I'm a true gaming addict, I could not find moderation.
I found OLGA, quit the game the same day, and uninstalled everything. My husband and I now are working on our relationship and it is much much better.
I hope and pray that your husband will see what he is doing.
*hugs*
HI
Right now I need courage just to not fall apart at work today. I work in a little office, only one here except for customers. I need courage to even love this person. I set up with a counsellor I am on a waiting list. Great more time away from my little boy but I am so angry at my husband I need help. I guess you asked an excellent question I don't know the answer to...but I guess it is courage to not fall apart, courage to wait for change and give God time to do something. I was going to suggest we go on a mini vacation but that would just be a reward for him....and frankly there is nowhere to hide if things get ugly and I don't want my boy subjected.
But my husband is really being awful not just rejecting and ignoring but he is ice cold and I am so tired of it and so tired of him being a man of no grace no kindness. Thank you though, I really need support today. I mean thank you so much.
Thank you so very much for responding to my post. I mean God is capable of getting him set free. See I just thought his problem was laziness or pornography but it is the need and addiction for a fantasy world....be it games, or pornographic games or pornography. My husband needs deliverance and wholeness....I just have to pray to even love him right now. Thanks though...it means a lot.
Thank you for your support. I wonder though, what did your husband do to make it so miserable for you to be online? Thanks for praying indeed.
Well I think the persons you need to concentrate on is yourself and your child.
Don't focus on the husband. He's the problem.
The solutions are found in yourself and your little boy. Take care of you and him and you will be a happier person. You might join a 12-step group like CR, CODA, Alanon and definitely stay here in OLGA. All the help you can get is the best.
Start with your sanity, your happiness, your health, your life, and get counseling to help you do that is fine.
Don't try to make HIS life happy. You can't change him, cure him or control him.
Twiggs, it was not what my wife did that made me go online and play video games. It was the games fulfilling my emotional needs of challenge, ego, leadership, friendship, and accomplishments. Some games even fulfill the needs of sex. I just found out that in Second Life, people can purchase genitalia and have virtual sex with virtual escorts, virtual significant others, and virtual spouses. Wow! This is the Matrix! We're plugging into the Matrix to avoid real life!!!
Real life is hard. But gaming is fun and gives us gamers an incredible sense of control, mastery, and even feeling God-like. Video game addiction is insidious and more destructive than drugs because games are cheaper and more accessible. With drugs and alcohol, the addict runs out of money. But for $15/month and many times even free, we have unlimited access to video games on the internet.
Twiggs, this is NOT your fault. If your husband is addicted to video games, it is NOT your fault. All addicts have emotional issues and/or life stressors that need resolution and attention. Video games are a digital escape, the digital heroin to numb the mind, and the digital anti-depressant.
My wife taught me that love is an action and not a feeling. What my wife did for me, which brought me closer to God, was she loved me... she tried to love me unconditionally (hard but possible). She also found support in the church. I saw the changes in her and wanted to be with her, and less in the game. But I also had a wake-up call when she filed for divorce (I am not encourging you to do this as you need to make your own decision), and divorce papers helped me come to terms with my addiciton to video games and use of video games to escape into a fantasy world.
Andrew P. Doan, MPH, MD, PhD
My Gaming Addiction Videos on YouTube: YouTube.com/@DrAndrewDoan
*The views expressed are of the author's and do not necessarily reflect the official policy of the U.S. Navy, DHA or Department of Defense.
" I just found out that in Second Life, people can purchase genitalia and have virtual sex with virtual escorts, virtual significant others, and virtual spouses. Wow! This is the Matrix! We're plugging into the Matrix to avoid real life!!!"
Oh my God, I had no idea!
"My wife taught me that love is an action and not a feeling."
That thought is awesome. I thought loving my husband was a feeling and I wanted him to leave me alone when I was gaming.
But now I'm acting with love. It's a different life.
Mudphud
The part that you quoted was meant for someone else that said that their spouse was making things miserable when they went online so it was getting to the point where they didn't want to go online.
As for it being my fault with the pornography I battled it being my fault for many years but I know now that wasn't my fault and this isn't either.
I guess truthfully I have to pray more just to like him or love him or anything else. I have tried so many different approaches over the last 11 years with these problems that I am tired of trying. Hopefully I can be as strong as your wife was.
Thanks.
Twiggs, I'm sending you good wishes for strength, today!
Here are some things I like to do, that you could try if you want:
- I take a deep breath, or a sip of water, and am glad that I can.
- I bend over and let my arms and head hang and stretch a bit.
- I take a look at the sky and any nearby flowers or creatures.
- I remember the wonderful solidity of the earth beneath my feet.
- I think of five blessings I am honestly glad for, even if they are tiny.
- I turn on some music that I like. (Pandora internet radio is wonderful for that, as it is customizable and also suggests new things.)
Best wishes for your day, today, and for figuring out how you can best nourish and care yourself and your son, going forward!
wrkinprogrss
[img=200x150]http://www.public-domain-photos.com/free-stock-photos-4/ocean/wave-3.jpg[/img]
Aiming for eventual mastery in reality-surfing.
Thank you very much workinprogress.
Twiggs, because I know you are a Christian, I offer you this:
Isaiah 41:10
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Andrew P. Doan, MPH, MD, PhD
My Gaming Addiction Videos on YouTube: YouTube.com/@DrAndrewDoan
*The views expressed are of the author's and do not necessarily reflect the official policy of the U.S. Navy, DHA or Department of Defense.