I just set up my account here because I believe my wife may be addicted to Second Life. It dawned on me, though, that I've had to act like an addict to do that and to visit here. I created a new email account, I set Internet Explorer on InPrivate (aka the "porn setting"), have messages from my forum come to my work account, all because I am afraid my wife, when borrowing my laptop, will go through my browser history.
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"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."--CYRIL CONNOLLY, The New Statesman (02/25/1933)
And what would happen if she found that you have sought out a support group for those affected by excessive gaming? Loved ones coming here is sometimes the first inkling an addict gets that they may have a problem. More than one gaming addict has started to think about the effect their gaming is having on their family and friends after finding out that one or more of them has come here. It might make her angry initially, but it may start a dialogue. You never know.
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
She's only been at it for about two weeks, so I may be jumping the gun. I'm hoping we're still to the point where she'll do it so much that she'll get bored with it and quit (although I remember her joking with women at church that there ought to be a 12-Step group for Farmville). However, bedtimes are getting later and later, she's stopped going to choir rehearsals at our church, and she is resentful of the fact that I don't find Second Life as fascinating as she does.
"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."--CYRIL CONNOLLY, The New Statesman (02/25/1933)
Hmmmm...sounds like a problem may be developing.
The question is....will you be able/courageous/adult enough to sacrifice that which merely pleases you...for that which will truly fulfill you? That is the question of personal growth.
~~~Dem518
~~~wow-free since 8/22/09
Ha! The porn setting ;) Yes, I do private browsing too. I am generally an incredibly honest person, but I too have resorted to spying and hiding things from my husband in an attempt to figure out exactly what I'm dealing with in my life and marriage. It sucks, and I feel for you. Has your wife met "someone" on there? I have dealt with multiple cyber-affairs as a result of this site, so please be very wary.
We both discussed SL sex when we started, since (at first) we believed we'd be in SL together quite a bit (the thrill passed very quickly for me). We made an agreement as to what type of sex/interaction we'd allow.
My wife is bisexual. I have known this from the beginning and have been okay with it, and about 10 years ago (with my knowledge and approval) she had a brief relationship with a woman.
Our agreement is that on SL she can only have sex with women. I told her the only sex I would have on SL would be with her character, or with her and other women. She has "dated" women, and earns Linden $ as a stripper and hostess at nightclubs and lesbian tea rooms, but has not had sex.
"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."--CYRIL CONNOLLY, The New Statesman (02/25/1933)
Not to be the first person to cast stones, so to speak...but if your attending church I would think having relationships even if there online is considered some form of adultery and being with someone of the same sex is just as bad. In all honesty I don't think any good will come from this...My personal thoughts about the internet in general is that it can be a great tool but like with anything it can be abused and turned into something bad like porn, "hook up" sites, messenger services like yahoo etc. While I am not really religious, but have read many religious texts...I would suggest you talk with your priest/bishop/preacher they are usually more than willing to lend a hand and know how bad games/internet can be.
We are Unitarian Universalists, and there are many heterosexual, gay, lesbian, and poly-amorous family relations in our church and many others. How one defines family is left to the conscience of the individuals involved. (For more information on specific beliefs and principles, go to http://www.uua.org.)
"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."--CYRIL CONNOLLY, The New Statesman (02/25/1933)
Hey conusmound, I'm a UU too!
It's the end of the world as we know it...and I feel fine....
As I have posted elsewhere, OLGA doesn't take a position on marital issues such as fidelity. Our members point out, from time to time and based solely on their own experience, that non-marital intimacy can, and does, create issues or problems in some marriages. But not all marriages. Folks do what they do, and we certainly aren't here to pass judgment on anyone's choices, as long as they're working for both parties and nobody is getting hurt.
It may be that in your case, your wife is satisfying certain intimacy (emotional and/or sexual) needs in SL. Whether you are okay with that or not, only you can say. It may be part of the picture, so to speak, in terms of your own discomfort or dissatisfaction with what's happening with her in-game, and your relationship. But in terms of the "morality" of it, per se, that's way beyond our purview.
I'll also point out that contracts or bargains can be re-negotiated. It happens all the time. Perhaps what you agreed to, some time ago, no longer works for you. But again, that is outside the scope of our board.
Best of luck,
Jane in CT
With respect to you Conus, if I approached my wife and said, "Hey honey, I plan to look at porn all the time, but it won't hurt our marriage," I would be looking for somewhere else to live. Sexual acting out behaviour in-game is just another sign of a diseased (addicted) brain in my opinion, and you and your wife have some difficult discussions ahead.
The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions.
-Alfred Lord Tennyson
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conusmound,
My story has been related many times before, but I'll provide the "reader's digest" version. (feel free to look up my posts).
My wife started in SL over a year ago and had many relationships in the game. When she was happy in SL, she was happier in real life, so I thought all was well. Last summer, she told me that she was in love with someone from SL, and our marriage was basically over. My immediate reaction was one of support, hoping somehow that her new relationship would give her what she needed while not ending ours. Boy, was I ever wrong! She said that if I fought harder for her, the outcome might have been different.
We are now on the road to divorce, and her SL boyfriend is moving to town next week to begin their real life relationship in earnest. (She already spent a weekend with him in person in his town).
If you want to keep your wife, get her off SL. Of course, this is her decision, not yours, and there may not be much you can do.
It seems to me there are other red flags other than moral here. As Consomound wrote:
" However, bedtimes are getting later and later, she's stopped going to choir rehearsals at our church, and she is resentful of the fact that I don't find Second Life as fascinating as she does."
Going to bed later and later, dropping RL hobbies and community events, and resentment towards spouse are ALL bad signs. Many of us here have lived all three of those, and it only got worse for many of us.
I know its all true for me, and I only include others because I've read many of their stories here.
Addicted to SL
As i sit here reading about all of the heartaches,and relationships ruined from online gaming it makes me feel so sad.My heart really does go out to all those that are suffering from there signifigant others gaming addictions,and online cyber cheating.I think its also sad to know that the very same technology we use to help us can also hurt us or others,with just the click of the mouse or typing of the keys.
"It's all in your mind...Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life.If you continue to believe as you have always believed,you will continue to act as you have always acted.If you continue to act as you have always acted,you will continue to get what you have always gotten.If you want different results in your life or your work,all you have to do is change your mind." Anonymous...