Restarting the program

Heya guys,

Some might remember me from last year. I wasn't very active at the forum, but I did however regularly attended the Skype meetings, but that was it. I never tried to initiate contacts. I guess I wasn't ready for socializing and still might not be...

Aside from Olganon I also visited other addict groups irl. To be honest I would love to have an irl game anon meeting, but I'm too shy/unconfident to set one up myself... Maybe later when I've crawled out of this depression.

It was February 2011 when I realized I had a problem with gaming. I attended my first meeting ever on my birthday. Not a very pleasant birthday that was... But I knew I was in for a change. And I was. I finally got myself a psychologist who helped me seeing life in a bright light. I quit gaming in April 2011. It went quite well, but I did relapse at least 6 times up until now. I however was not ready with my therapy yet, but decided that I could fare on my own with the help of the anonymous program since summer 2011. I got myself a sponsor as soon as I quit therapy and this worked well until March 2012.

As I finally gained more and more self-confidence, I got a boyfriend for the first time. This meant that I wanted to see him a lot. But to progress with working the steps I had to meet my sponsor once or twice a week. This meant I had to adapt my schedule, even though I already had limited time to see my love.. At a point I started neglecting the program because I thought I could handle it on my own. I called off my apointment with my sponsor at the last moment. And since then I never worked the Steps.

Things only really went downhill from then. I did not relapse right away, but I noticed my negativity slowly lurking over me again. I also cope with an eating disorder (= addicted to food). When things were fine I ate in healthy amounts and had a healthy weight. I somehow managed to maintain my healthy weight, but my eating habits went back to insane. I won't go in-depth about this again as this forum is for game addiction, but these two are very much linked for me.

Whenever I relapse with gaming or food, I think insane thoughts and have an insane lifestyle (neglecting tasks/health/social contact). I've been wanting to get out of these unpleasant mindset ever since I realized I need help, but never put it into action for the past few months.

Today I suddenly thought of a thing a friend said to me some time ago when I didn't realize I was a game addict yet: 'You are not progressing, you are standing still.' I repeated that line to myself and finally acknowledged that I was back at the addict mindset and needed help. And here I am, after all these months of insanity, seeing my slowly built self-confidence tumble and fall. I want to write badly how I wish I never quit the program, but I guess there is no point in beating myself up for the past. I am here now. And I hope I this time will continue my healthy thoughts.

I have considered only going to meetings now, but I think I will also get back to a therapist. I am still not sure if this is necessary if I just follow the steps... but my gut says yes. My social life and identity have been a mess from childhood so I probably need some mental coaching there.. :) I always feel very vulnerable when I post things on a forum and I always think people are not interested in reading them or that I wrote it badly. Hence I maybe might not be active on the forum for a while, but my goal is to at least attend the meetings, just like before.

Anyway, thanks for reading this all.

Hugs,

Happyroarr/Nathalie