I've been reading "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew. It describes the relationship between addict and partner so well; obviously it is geared towards alcoholics but you can so easily subsitute "gamer"; the advice holds true.
I wanted to share it here because I came upon a passage that I thought described such a common scenario here..when the addict tries to convince you that it is YOU that has the problem and not him...
"Think, imagine, that he is where he belongs-in the hospital getting treatment for his very sick condition-his physical and mental illness. Then, you visit him. You've been peaceful for a few days, because he is away from the house. You walk into the room and he pretends he is the gracious host and you're the patient, about to be admitted to the back wards of a mental hospital. But he has the pyjamas on!"
I love this image. Next time he tries to tell me that I am the one with the problem I am going to picture him in hospital PJ's. Maybe I can pretend that the mouse he has attatched to his hand is a drip :-)
Has anyone else read anything particularly helpful for partners living with addicts?
I love that, too Mel.
Here's another scenario. The addict--whose skin is blotchy and yellowed, his eyes turned back into his head--is in the hospital bed, pajamas on, fluid drip attached to arm, doctor near the bed writing on his chart, lights are low, everyone is hushed...The addict wakes up, lifts one eyelid, points at you, and says "if it wasn't for her....I wouldn't be here."
I've met an alcoholic (from personal experience) in his hospital room, who had almost died from DT's, yelling at his wife because she didn't dry the dishes and put them away correctly.
I also remember buying a pack of cigarettes for a homeless man (only 23 years of age but looked 50), who was dying in the ICU, who told me the pack of cigarettes I bought was the wrong kind.
Why are some people addicts and not others? not everyone who drinks becomes an alcoholic. Not everyone who games becomes addicted.
I've been on both sides of the problem, both addict/alcoholic and also Alanon. I have no idea what or why.
We addicts have no idea why we are addicts. We really don't see the total selfishness of our disease until we try to get and stay sober. And then we can be the nicest people in the world--as long as we recognize how selfish we are, and take the steps to do something about it.
But until that addict/alcoholic gets help and works a program of some kind, he/she will probably remain selfish.
When I originally went to Alanon I was totally offended. Until I realized--dealing with my own alcoholic husband--that being an anon is worse than being the addict, because at least the addict can resort to their substances to not feel pain. The anon can't and doesn't.
Anyway. Recovery for both addicts and anons is the only way we can recover. The anon needs "to get their sails out of someone else's wind." (heard at an Alanon speaker meeting.)
Funny, Pat, this reminded me of years ago, when my ex-husband and I lived in a flat. Upstairs was an old man, a raging alcoholic and gambler who was constantly banging on the door wanting my ex to drink with him (and begging him for money, food, smokes etc). My ex hated him. But I used to feel sorry for the old bugger and every so often I'd leave some food I'd baked and some smokes on his doorstep. (Clueless about enabling back then).
And one day when he didn't think I was home, I heard him come to the door and tell my ex "hey I want you to know that I appreciate the stuff you've been leaving me. I know that b*** wife of yours would kill you if she knew you were helping me out. Don't worry, I won't tell her".
lol. No more muffins for him.
I finished "Getting Them Sober" tonight and I so highly reccomend it for anyone living in an intollerable relationship with an addict. It's fantastic; it described so many things I have done and thought were my "embarrassing secrets". I wish I had read it years ago.
OMG Mel!! what an a** your former neighbor was.
Hugs!
Well, from memory, it was his ex-wife's fault that he was a destitute drunk so I can understand how very concerned he was for my ex, having a wife. Those things'll kill ya!!
lol.
All of the blaming and shaming stuff completely loses its power when you learn that it's just symptomatic of the disease. Tha's why I liked this book so much.
LOL!!!
I just read somewhere, that if we take "me" out of "blame" it becomes Bla bla bla.
I will check out the book. Thanks!
I am going to have to check this book out. I have a whole plethora of addicts in my family at any given moment. My for now dry gamer is angry at me that I will not agree to go hunting with him after my knee is recovered.