I don't really know what to say despite fantasizing about making this first post on the forum for the last year.
I'm a 21 year old university student (Matt) who's sick and tired of the self-sabotage I unleash on myself when I game. I've been gaming compulsively ever since I first learnt how to PC game *cough* PC master race *cough*. I am also in recovery from drugs, alcohol and bulimia - I'm really just a full-blown addict through and through.
I've been sitting some exams over the last week and have one more coming up, and I can't stop gaming.
Over the last few months I've gone back and forth not playing video games and then reinstalling them a day or even 12 hours later. It's so accessible nowadays with fibre optic internet... My university has really suffered as a result, in fact so has my schooling. My A-levels (AP equiv. in the UK) were atrocious, only just about making it into a foundation year at the University of Manchester (which was a saving grace. I then missed out on getting into the Maths school. Subsequently I joined the Computer Science school and do CS & Maths luckily. I flunked my first year through a combination of video game and drug addiction - perhaps more overtly drugs as I had to go into rehab. I'm now sober in my first year of university at 21 years old...
I stopped using and drinking, but something was still amiss. I turned to full blown bulimia, and when I couldn't I would game, until I was using them both as co-addictions feeding into each other. After many many months at a residential secondary care facility I went back into primary to address my eating disorder. I thought I had it sorted, but gaming was still there. Eating away at majority of my time, subverting the view of my friends as I'm known as and certainly entertain the idea of a procrastinator.
I've learnt that it's not the particular game as I was adamant it was a MOBA I used to play, and now it's Blizzard's Hearthstone . I've had one account banned, and recently had blizzard delete three other accounts to try quit gaming. And yet I still came back and created a new account days later. Forcing myself to grind through the numbing early levels of the game until I was hooked deep again. The amount of money I've poured into these accounts is unthinkable. If I'm brutally honest with myself it is very close to 3k GBP or perhaps even more. The money spent feeds into my self sabotage script and keeps the guilt/shame cycle progressing.
Anyways, I'm rambling here. I've been in my uni library for the past 4 hours playing Hearthstone, with all the best intentions of studying. I feel broken, defeated, worthless, but ready, because I know there is a solution and it's out there if I want it.
I've got a lot of solid work ahead of me. Really glad to be here.
Hi! Welcome and sorry to hear your having a hard time. I think you really need to be mentally ready to give gaming up. It's so hard. I have been fully addicted to gaming over 10 years. Probably around 15 now I think about it. And having others to help you through helps. I think a good support team helps a lot. Just know it's not going to be easy and just try to get through the withdrawals. Do something else instead. I'm 30 days free gaming tomorrow. And it was not an easy effort. I cried out of frustration because I wanted to play so bad. But now I'm actually feeling pretty happy. I still have my urges but they are easy to get through. Think about how much more happy you would be if you quit playing and did something else you could enjoy.
Sukha,
Welcome to the forum! Glad you found us. I definitely bonded with a lot of what you were saying. Like deleting accounts with tons of hours in them then returning only days later and starting over from square one.
Also, it's very common to have multiple addictions at the same time. Many members I talk to on this forum experience this. Going through with the recovery process may address all of these addictions since often they all have same underlying cause.
To get started, I'd highly recommend attending our voice chat meetings:
http://www.olganon.org/forum/line-meetings-message-board/all-online-meetings-computervideo-gaming-addicts
Also keep coming back! There are tons of people and info here to help you on your journey.
Best,
Dre
Thank you so much for the kind and inspiring words Dre and Lindael!
Really well done on 30 days lindael! That seems a mile off today, but it's just one day at a time! I'm quite busy this week between exams and other commitments, but I'll make sure I attend at least one voice chat meeting and meet some of you guys!
Welcome Matt
glad that you have found us. I once have deleted my account that took me 3 years to get it to where it was in order to prevent myself from gaming again but when i relapsed i was ready to start from the scratch which is insane.
How to it worked for me is: 1 to keep going to meetings even if i was gaming before them 2. ask for help because i know pretty well that i can’t quit alone 3. accept that i am an addict which means working a recovery is the most important thing in my day
"Recovery is not about dealing with gaming. Recovery is about dealing with Life"
Hello Matt, i can relate A LOT to what u are writing. You are not alone.
I have found that coming to this site regularly combined with meetings is the best way for me to not be playing games.
You can find the meeting schedule here: http://www.olganon.org/forum/line-meetings-message-board/all-online-meetings-computervideo-gaming-addicts
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
It's always fun to watch people move through the various stages of motivation: pre-contemplation, when you don't know you need to take action and deny the problem; contemplation, when you know there's a problem but aren't ready to do anything quite yet; and action, when you finally follow through on getting the help you need. However hard it was for you to come to this point, Matt, you're here at action, and you'll never go back. Keep coming to OLGA, join some online meetings, and bit by bit, you'll make recovery happen. It's a long road to walk, but all the more rewarding for it.
Taking Steps toward recovery since November 2, 2012. The difficulty of the path makes it worth the walking.