My son is almost 20 years old. He struggled through high school because he couldn't focus on the work. (He got a 5 on an AP test as a sophomore but almost didn't graduate because of his excessive computer use.) He spent one-year at college but didn't return for a second year. He signed up for community college courses but ended dropping a lot of them or being dropped for non-participation. He did get some community college credits last year, but this should be is junior year in college, and he has no direction and too few credits. He realizes that he should find a way to move on but he can't get himself to sign up for courses before they close. Any time he sees his predicament, he stays up all night on the computer. He has never had a job and refuses to consider volunteer activities. He has always had a problem with being too arrogant and can't take criticism.
Any ideas?
Hi Shoreham
Welcome to Olg-anon. I can certainly identify with what you experiencing. My son dropped out of college and is finding it hard to get on with his life.
When i realised that games, surfing the internet, his smart phone and TV watching were robbing him of his life, i decided with the support of the members that I would enable him no longer while he lived in my home. My house, my rules. Gaming was banned and internet restricted.The thread i started at the time is here.
http://www.olganon.org/?q=node/43694
I would recommend making your home game free and then be prepared to tolerate him not doing to much. It will give him time for his brain to heal and be able start to think again. Even though you can stop him gaming in your home, you cannot control his addicition. He needs to want to heal himself for it to be beaten.
Please read as much as you can prior to making changes because you need to understand addiction so that you are prepared for any likely reaction that he may have towards you and so you can stay strong.
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Dear Shoreham,
Your story sounds very similar to mine except my son, being a perfectionist, dropped out of high school in year 11 when he realized he couldn't keep up his excellent academic performance due to not being able to concentrate his work (which we found out later on that he was playing games while we thought he was doing his assignments).
My son was also nearly 20 when I discovered this site about a year ago. At that time, all he did was play games. He wouldn't even consider going back to his education. He worked part time for about 3 months before he quit saying "very boring job!". He wouldn't consider volunteering, going on a holiday, helping around the house etc etc. All he wanted to do was play games, and watch TV.
I was so helpless, hopeless and as far as I was concerned we tried everything. Only after joining this site, I learned that he was indeed addicted to on line gaming and his brain was all messed up. The part of the brain which was responsible from desicion making, empathy, love, responsbility, in short, controlling the executive functions was not operating properly. His brain was affected in a very similar way what drugs and gambling would do. Therefore it became very clear to me that unless he stayed completely away from gaming and internet for a few months (at least 6 months experts say) there was no way he could have started thinking properly again. Dr Doan's book "Hooked on Gaming" was very informative. Even my son read parts of his book and finally acknowledged his addiction to gaming.
To cut the long story short, we started to see some changes after we declared our home "game free" and cut off the internet completely for some time. Gradually we brought internet up to a level that everyone could function at home but made sure that he wasn't playing any games in that time. After about a month or so, we started to see some positive changes but it wasn't before 6 months or so or even more, before he was able to start making plans for his future and take some actions and began connecting with real life. It was a tough journey for all of us but it was well worth it. We made sure he understood, what we were doing was not to punish him or show him who was in charge but because we love him so much and it was ethically wrong for us to keep him enabling in our home after learning how detrimental it was for his well being.
Because of the affect on their brain, even if they want to reclaim their life, they can't do it on their own. The best thing to do is help them to help themselves. But if you are worried about self harm or violence please find a therapist who accepts gaming addiction and you can plan together.
We parents have a typed chat meeting every Thursday night at 9pm EST if you would like to join us. We share our experiences, hopes and strenghts. Hope to see you there.
Take care! You are not alone and we totally get it!
Hugs!
"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches." "The first step toward change is acceptance." "Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That's all you have to do." "Change is not something you do, it's something you allow."- Will Garcia
Hi Shoreham and welcome to OLGA. I'm very sorry to hear about the situation regarding your son...it's heartbreaking and many of us moms here can identify with what you're feeling. You will find resources, support and compassion here.
Your son sounds very much like mine before we made our home game-free. It sounds to me that you are going to have to consider making some changes so as not to enable his continued decline. This can be a tough decision to make, but gets easier as one becomes more informed, makes a plan and firmly executes it with the proper planning and support. Whatever stage you many find yourself in, many of of us have been there. Feel free to ask questions, share ideas.
I can tell you that my son's life has turned around dramatically. He's still the same kid with the same challenges, but is moving forward in life, growing and experiencing those things that will lead him to greater independence. If he were still gaming he would only be sliding further and further back.
As Maylight mentioned, we have an online parent support/discussion every Thurs night which has proven to be very helpful for most of us. Hope to see you there.
Hi. My son is 20 and is addicted to gaming. He dropped out of college (twice) and made some money tree planting for 3 months. Now all he wants to do is game. He stayes up all night and sleeps all day. I asked him to move if he chooses to continue this but he won't leave ro spend the time to look for a place. Three nights ago I could not take it; he smoked pot in his room and played all night. The next morning when he was sleeping I removed his laptop and won't give it back to him.
He texted me at work today stating if I don't give his laptop back today he will be ****ed and that he would look for a place to move into. I know if I give it back he would not put any effort into finding a place to live.
I encourage him to get help; bought books on the topic for him to read; print out numerous info online; ask him to join this online help; on and on. I know I can't make him change.
I guess I know why he doesn't want help but I can't accept or can't watch him in his addiction. I'm sure he is going through a lot of withdrawals and he sleeps a lot. He promised me he wanted to quit pot and I haven't seen that the last few days but then I'm not home during the day. And his promises don't mean much to me anymore.
Hi Lori,
Hi and Welcome to OLGA. I'm the parent of a 19 yo who has been addicted to gaming. Our home is now game-free.
I'm sorry that you have to go through the turmoil in your home that this addiction brings. There are many moms here, as you may well know if you've been reading the posts, who can identify very closely with your feelings and experiences.
However, I have to say that I am very hopeful for your situation because you have come to a place where you're not willing to enable him anymore and have realized that his words are no more than empy promises (which is to be expected from someone who is in denial about their addiciton or someone who is not yet ready to give it up). When we came to that place with our son we sent him away for 4 months to detox. Even though he agreed not to game when he came home, after a short time home without access to games, he decided to move out on his 18th birthday. We let him go and after a week he asked to come back with a much different attitude. It was one of the best things for him. I think that if your son is not in danger of hurting himself or others that moving out would probably be the best option. It's nice that he's "volunteering" on his own so you don't have to go through the hassle of "kicking him out." After a little time on his own, he will learn that playing games for hours on end is not going to pay rent or put food on the table. Many of the moms here will agree that "it's our home and our rules." If our boys don't like following the rules, then they have the choice to move out. Maybe your son will decide that it's not worth it to move out and work it out on his own. But if we provide a comfortable environment where our son's can game, they most likely will never be motivated to do anything other than that.
I know many of our moms would like to respond to your post so I would suggest that you copy and paste your post to a new thread of your own. That way you can come back with a response or questions which will be addressed specifically for you.
Hang in there...you're right in that your son will most probably sleep a whole lot and not be motivated to do anything. That's OK, just let him go. He'll eventually snap out of it. The most important thing is to block all manner of gaming the best you can and monitor to be sure he's safe.
Hi Lori, welcome to OLGA! Mommy3's two sentences above summarizes it all so well, I couldn't agree more.
It appears that you are already more than half way there. You have done a lot of research about gaming addiction and tried to pass them to your son. It is not unusual for them to be in denial and not wanting to do anything else. The best we can do for our sons is to create a game free environment and stop enabling them. I think it is also very important to make him understand what you are doing is not because you want to punish him or to show him who is the boss but because you love him so much that it is ethically wrong for you to continue enabling him in this destructive path. You could also tell him he will understand you one day even though he doesn't right now.
If he wants to leave after you claim your home game free, it would be his choice and he will suddenly become aware of the reality (finding a place to live, paying rent, cooking and cleaning, paying the bills etc) It may be a good thing for him. I think all our sons need to be exposed to reality since they are so absorbed in their virtual reality.
Stay strong! There is hope if you can stay strong and stick with your decisions. We can all learn and modify our plans as we go but I think declaring our homes game free should not be negotiated. I believe that excessive internet usage is also very detrimental. Some may substitute internet surfing with gaming and may spend hours to end on the internet which is also damaging.
We have parents typed chat meeting Thursday 9pm EST if you would like to join. We learn from eah other and share our experiences.
Take care!
"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches." "The first step toward change is acceptance." "Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That's all you have to do." "Change is not something you do, it's something you allow."- Will Garcia
I don't think your son's problem is the video games, I think your son has the impression that he can do what he wants, when he wants, and you will allow it.
I do think eventually he's going to wake up and realize what he's doing to himself, but probably not for a bit, but for now it might benifit you to make it clear he's either going to school, working, or going to see a therapist.