Hello. I am new to the site and came across it searching on online gaming addiction. I have been married for 15 years to my wife who I still desperativly love. We have three great kids ages 15, 6 and 4. About a year ago my wife was introduced to the online game Vikings: War of Clans. Since then, she lives and breathes starring at an iPad (and sometimes multiple devices) playing this game. We had our normal marriage issues over the years, pick up some slack, help with this and that, etc. but things have deteriorated in the household to the point where the children wonder why mom is on an iPad all the time. Sadly, I must say that they go ignored quite a bit of the time. In this year she has picked up smoking heavily, spends an alarming amount of time at the lady's house next door (because it was her escape), and her behavior over that time has really decreased. She is distant, short fused, and basically acts like everyone is a burden. I recently discovered that she would spend between $200 and $400 a month on the game through iTunes. When I asked her about it, she said it was paying that neighbor back, which I confirmed to be not true. As I mentioned, her demeanor has changed so much that I can't believe it's the woman I've known for 19 years. The caring, "mother of the year" type has become cold and uncaring about anything. I've found out that she lies to people about any number of things, and has basically destroyed relationships with everybody she knows. My mom considered her a daughter, but is now crushed at how she thinks my wife no longer cares about her, even after all the help my parents have given us. The sad breaking point came recently when I discovered that she had been talking to people online, which was fine with me. Except she had developed a sexual relationship with someone in another state. She denied it when I first addressed it with her, but through a friend I found out it to be true because she would gloat to that friend. She thought it was disgusting what my wife was doing, so she told me. Eventually my wife confessed that there was something emotional, even to he point where the guy was going to fly here and see her. She claims she wised up and chose her family over him. And that was that. Then I find out a week ago that she now is talking to some guy in Las Vegas all the time. I saw a crazy number of cell phone minutes used in just a few days and addressed it. She said it was a friend from high school she talks to, which I knew it was a lie. Then it turned into its a friend from the game and it's innocent. Sadly, it's not so innocent. Now she's screaming she wants a divorce and has been miserable with me for all 19 years. I'm crushed. My life and my kids lives are being thrown upside down over a game and some guy. I can't get her to listen to anybody and she is convinced I am out to get her. I'm lost. She's living in a fantasy world won't wake up and look at reality. I'm torn up inside. I wish she had never found this game. It's ruined my life.
FatherOf3 - reading your story made my hair stand on end because of how similar it is to my own. You can find my story in various threads, including "My Husband is addicted to Clash of Clans" and elsewhere. I felt compelled to respond to your post because I think there is a common misperception that it is only women who are affected by their partner's excessive gaming. So I wanted to let you know you are not alone and I know EXACTLY what you are going through. In the end my 15 year marriage ended in divorce. And I am someone for whom the word divorce wasn't even in my vocabulary. I still come to this site because in some ways I am still dealing with this - my ex-spouse still lives with me until she finds a better job. (Fortunately the agreement states this can only continue for a limited time.)
People who haven't lived through this can't fathom the complete personality transplant that occurs in the person they loved once they get involved with these games. Your wife has not been miserable with you for 19 years no matter what she says to you, so don't take it personally. It's not the real "her" talking. Yes, your wife is actually willing to throw away a 15 year probably mostly happy marriage and give your kids a broken home over a game and some guy. As my sister-in-law explained to me in my eerily similar situation, she is an idiot.
I wish so much I could tell you it will get better, that she will come to her senses. My experience tells me that is unlikely. I never wanted a divorce, but I have to admit in some ways I feel a tremendous amount of relief. I didn't deserve to be treated like that and neither do you. Eventually I hope to start over with someone new. No addictions of any kind. These games ruin families and destroy lives. Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions or want support. Good luck.
Thanks Sad Dad. I appreciate the input you've given me. Your story was so much like mine. I've sent you a PM.
Welcome Fatherof3
My best advice is that you keep coming back to check out posts so you can understand as much as possible about this addiction and then find a way to move forward. You will see situations similar to your own. You can also learn about self care and detachment and stopping eneabling and your boundaries.
Excessive game play causes addiction in about 10% of the population. It causes the brain to rewire and crave more and more of this kind of stimulation dopamine provides. The addict starts to become very selfish and lacks empathy.
WHen the consequences of playing cause the addict to want to quit (possibly years later) they do wake up to the devastation. But while active in addiction, and not feeling consequnces, they think they are fine and justified.
If you can "detach with love" it may just make a new dynamic in your situation that will give you peace about the things you cannot change, but also it will stop your reaction feeding her addiction.
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here
Thanks Polga. Sadly I've found that detaching is very difficult because of having to continue to live in the house with her. I do this solely for my kids and so that they continue to have a roof over their head. As I've read on here in numerous posts, it seems the only way this addiction will end is when she snaps herself out of it and realizes she just destroyed her life. There doesn't seem to be any saving her.
"Detaching with love" is a recovery concept and is not easy for many people, but spouses have used it to find relative peace in the crazy addict world, when they have tried everything else and are still living with the addict. Its virtually all a spouse or loved one can do to recover from the effects of someones else's addiction, which we cannot control, but we can control ourselves; our thoughts and our actions.
There is more about it here http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/detachment-what-means-and-how-do-it
Our member Alonewith2 also describes her journey with detachment. Her posts here: http://www.olganon.org/recent/18843
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here
Just yesterday, she took my three kids and left to go live in Las Vegas with a guy she met in this game. Destroying my life.
Sorry to hear about your sad situation. I hope you have good support around you. Please look after yourself. This is a huge thing to have to recover from. Please don't face it alone. It is hard right now, but your life can and will get better. Hold on. Hugs to you xx
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here
I feel even worse in that, I only read your post in that I was incredulous that a woman would do such a thing. I struggle similarly with my husband, and am alarmed to see what is said about growing lack of empathy and things. We have 2 kids, possibly with a 3rd on the way. I wonder if this terrible fate is also our destiny. I am so glad he has not found this particular game.
Alice